Asleep

All's quiet in Merston. There are no lights on in any of the houses, and when I switch the light off it's pitch black- literally you can't see where you're going. Usually you'd have a little light from the moon but it's cloudy and I don't think it's even out tonight. There's the occasional sound of a car passing, but other than that it's just the countryside rustling in the breeze. Peaceful.

So quiet because my parents have gone to the Midlands and left me home alone. I'm coping okay so far- I haven't broken anything and have managed to find things to eat. Tomorrow may prove a little more taxing when I decide to venture forth in the real world to buy food and get my hair cut, but I'm already mentally preparing myself. Should be fine.

Tonight I was a little bored so I watched yet another episode of Frasier and a film called The Cooler on the now free Film4. Both entertaining, and although Frasier seems a little dated it's still good. Let's just hope I don't get addicted to Lost and completely devote my life to series.

Love and knowledge

A woman just passed me whilst I have been here sitting in Chichester. Her daughter asked her if 'girls can marry girls' and the mother answered resolutely 'no'. However technically true this is (they're civil partnerships rather than actual marriage), I think the mother is failing to enlighten her daughter as to the true nature of current society- what's acceptable and what's changing. I'm sure her daughter will discover at some point the truth of the matter, but I couldn't help but stifle an objection.

I'm sitting near a car park in the centre of town enjoying the sunshine and peaceful nature of the city. It's pleasant being here, but you can't help feeling that people are quite contented with the way things are. There's everything here that someone could need, and no reason to complain as it's all of a high quality. Yet, somehow it seems a bit dead, as if there's actually no vital scene here. People undoubtedly come here to run their lives, and eventually die- in pleasant surroundings.

Anyway I've returned to meet my parents in the gallery down the road for a cup of tea. So back to life.

Panic

I've had a great weekend so far. Good food on Friday night and some great company.

However on Friday I drank a few coffees, not more than usual, but possibly shouldn't have had so many strong ones. Slept for a few hours that night and then went for coffee again at Beanscene in the morning. I didn't really feel odd until I got back home about midday and started to feel a bit twitchy. I then proceeded to have a massive panic attack for most of the afternoon, and only really recovered about 5 o'clock. My heart was beating really fast and I felt like I was going to die. I know what it was, but I don't remember a) the last time I had one or b) ever having had one that bad. I'm just really glad it's over and I never want to go through that again, so:

I have resolved not to drink anything with caffeine in until I feel like I can return, and then I'll take it in moderation. I know, I know - I hear you say what are you going to do without caffeine, but I'll just have to survive on coffee shop alternatives.

That over, and feeling distinctly more earth-bound today, I am off to play badminton and shake off the cobwebs before I go home on Tuesday for the rest of the Summer. I'm looking forward to it, as there seem to be some opportunities for work etc. I'm just looking forward to having a relax and good food.

Friday

This day seemed all wrong. I realised I was in the bathroom wearing someone else's socks. Somehow, though, through all the confusion, it's been perfect. Although I believe it's happened at the wrong time, but maybe you can't pick and choose when epiphanies happen- maybe they just occur. Purpose and destiny rarely coincide.

Worst birthday ever?

I think so.

Night time

I realised something lying here while I was trying in vain to get to sleep. The sound of the trees is intensely comforting. I think it's just the rustling of the leaves outside in the occasional gust of wind. And to be very unpoetic, the cars going past at the end of the road remind me there are plenty of other people in the world going about their business. It's just nice to know they're there.

Went to see a concert tonight of some contemporary music at the concert hall. While the concert itself wasn't greatly inspiring, the discussion afterwards was heated and interesting. Again the topic of innovation and conversely, refinement were talked about. Not that the two are mutually exclusive, just that it's difficult to find the two present in a single work. I guess that tonight they were upset that there was perhaps not enough of either- not enough daring to be different.

A week now and I'll be at home, enjoying the sunshine (fingers crossed) and planning my future. I think that the travelling idea is back on the cards, with very few ideal or feasible jobs knocking at my door. I'll keep looking but I think I'd like to keep the options open with regards to career plans, especially if I plan to do a PhD. I don't want to be working my way up in a job that I plan to leave. But there's nothing wrong with a little professional experience. Right must sleep.