Slight delay

Perhaps there's a reason. Not any particular reason, but a general reason. I've been too busy to be writing down my thoughts recently, but it's about time I got back into it. This struck me as necessary because I haven't been the happiest recently. Maybe it's a consequence of me brooding too much on the reasons for living and doing things, the reasons for getting up in the morning. Perhaps it's my growing fascination with the fact that people just 'do', without thinking about why or what they're doing it for.

The solution I came up with, and how to defeat this blues is to say that the reason for living is just that- to 'do', and from that everything fits into place. Meaning comes from consequence. If we never 'did' there'd never be anything done and we'd constantly analyse everything as to how it fitted into the purpose of life, which we didn't know. Every one of us has done something, and does something every day. These things may not necessarily go beyond the rigours of daily life, but nonetheless they fill up our existence.

Once we have come to terms with the fact that we're here to survive, to try our hardest to live, - that is our purpose - we have to then deal with our free time. Art is our free time, it's a demonstration that we don't need to fill that time with mundane existence: living. It's our reflection on the pointless, whatever form that takes.

If you start seeing the pointlessness in everything around you, that people just don't notice the delicate fabric of existence, that they just see the surface of what's happening, it becomes a vicious circle that you can't escape. You must emancipate yourself from it by creating, by doing something outside the norm. I'm not sure you even need to get people to stand up and listen, just doing it for your own welfare is good enough in some instances.

Enough. I must get off the train now and consummate my life.

Particularly Tired

I am particularly knackered today. Yesterday seemed to have far too
many things happening, and by the time I got to the end of it I was
exhausted. Almost completely unable to communicate, and somewhere
halfway between sleeping and waking. Today I'm tired but just about
hanging on.

Somehow answering the phone seems to have become stressful because it
keeps distracting me from learning Arabic or writing emails. I don't
know how such a simple job could have taken on such painful
characteristics, but it's amazing what seems a challenge from day to
day.

I'm not really sure what I was expecting from the meeting yesterday,
just that it had a different outcome from the one in my head, at least
from what I'd envisaged. I'm not sure where I saw the discussion
leading but it took a more personal slant from what I had intended.
Maybe that's selfish, but sometimes the only place to start is
yourself. You can describe what's happening around you and your
reaction to it, and sometimes that's all we have, especially when
we're stuck in a place (not physical) that we don't necessarily want
to be. It certainly helps to talk about things, to put things in
perspective. I have a feeling that writing things down lets some of
those things out into the open, and separates them from yourself.

I seem to be too tired to make a coherent sentence and I'm struggling
to even remember anything today.

All change

It occurs to me at this point in the venture that I've made some choices that I can never change. By the venture I mean life, and by the choices I mean taste and lifestyle. I'll never be able to change the things that have happened to me, not that I would want to, but that I feel something akin to regret that things weren't better. It's difficult not to desire the things that you yourself would regard as the 'best', whilst that might not be available to you. I think that feeling is similar to what the people who call themselves entrepreneurs have, that is, a permanent need to better things. It's a long and hard road towards what you want, but I think the people who are unhappiest are those who don't know what it is they want before they set out. Then, they can never have a sense of regret, disappointment, or elation when something wonderful happens. One would be stuck in a void of never knowing at what point on the path one had reached, and thus never be able to enjoy the little progressions on the way that most of us are able to experience.

Possibly this is due to those people being the ones who try everything all at once - the jack of all trades. Expertise in a subject is, in my humble opinion, the most rewarding of my goals. The feeling you get when you have bettered yourself, and that you are considered an expert in a subject area, whatever that may be.

My time in Sussex has been one of the most productive ever, and as I have mentioned before, not for the traditional reasons. I did not necessarily achieve as much as I could have done, even though I have written more music in the Christmas period than in the past six months. It was to do with personal breakthroughs. I have come more to terms with who I am as a person, and exactly what I want to do, artistically speaking. Through discussions about visual arts, which I have realised had been getting quite stale over my previous visits, I have applied some new principles to my music. Just to explain the previous post about my epiphany (it's epiphany today), the simplicity is something which applies directly to music. I know now that I must apply everything I've ever learnt to my composition. When previously I've been told that I must apply this skill here, or that traditional techniques are not applicable to this kind of work, it's just not true. What post-modernism in the visual arts tell us, and what hasn't been properly implemented in music, is that everything is 'right' that we can have whatever influences we choose, and that if we want to draw a moustache on the Mona Lisa or stick cigarettes to a garden gnome, that's perfectly acceptable, in fact more so than things which don't mix or conjoin their roots.

People have tried to approach this in music, but what it lacks is the blatant contrast that the visual arts possesses. I just hope that my currently secret approach is going to be effective. I've only told one person so far what it is, and I don't think that it's necessary to divulge it to others yet.

I'm currently at Milton Keynes, on my way back to Glasgow. I think it's probably right that I should be going back to Glasgow for the moment, and that way I can reinforce in my mind the things which are most important to me, and impel myself to do whatever it is necessary to get to the next stage in my life.

The solution

I've suddenly realised. It's all very simple actually.

Sometimes it takes you a while to digest what people are telling you, and then as you come to terms with it you realise that they were right all along, but you hadn't realised in what way they were saying something. There was one thing that I realised this with today, and it was only while I was sitting in the bath and I took time to digest what had been talked about over dinner that I realised the implication of my responses to certain questions. I'm sure what I'm about to write down applies to a number of things, but in particular this has certain resonances for myself.

1) Most importantly, simplicity is the key. Perhaps you've been jostling with a few ideas, but there is only one you can truly use.

2) If it's tried and tested, and it's stood the test of time, it means it must have at least some inherent use. Use it.

3) Most peers talk utter bollocks. Everything they say, without exception, must be taken with a pinch of salt. Never rest what you do or are planning to do on a single utterance.

That's all for now. I'll let you know how I get on implementing them.

Vampires

Not that I believe in them, just that's what's on the TV now. It's a pretty dreadful BBC adaptation of the story, compared with Interview with a Vampire.

Good news. I have begun writing again big style. Started a solo piano piece and a piece for trio. Tenor sax, bass guitar and piano. It was for percussion instead of piano but I was having serious trouble visualising the percussion part, so I just kinda gave up and changed it to piano. If I manage to get it finished there's a chance that it'll be played in New York in February. I also have an open invitation to go and play with ThingNY anytime they've got an opening, which I think I'll be taking up. The flights to New York are very cheap just at the moment and it's a perfect opportunity.

I'm just so contented and warm here at the moment it's hard to come to terms with the fact that I'll have to give it up and return to Glasgow in a couple of weeks or less. I'm starting to seriously consider the fact that my environment in Glasgow is what's making me unhappy there. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I think it has something directly to do with my flat. Perhaps it's my room or perhaps it's the whole flat there. Maybe it's just a coincidence that the only time I've written music over the last six months has been while I've been in Sussex. I feel comfortable with my method here, as I have easy access to a piano and it's always pretty warm. I know those are basic things but I don't always get that in Glasgow. I seem to make constant excuses to be outside of my flat, and whilst I don't necessarily think that's a negative thing because I get to see people more often, I feel that I am purposefully doing it.

I'm not really sure there's a solution to this, because moving out of my flat is more hassle than it's worth, given that it won't necessarily solve my problem. I do enjoy the company of my flatmates, and I have everything there organised in a method I am comfortable with. It's just not the same as my previous flat. I had a situation there that I was comfortable with and could have continued with indefinitely - my flatmates didn't really bother me, and I had fun with them whenever it was required. I don't think they really understood me or could have got close to me, and I kind of preferred it that way. It became easy for me to have my own space when I needed it. I also enjoyed being in the West End, as I knew the neighbourhood, there were shops there I like and knew, and also good coffee shops.

Anyway I'm off to London for the day tomorrow to see another friend I haven't seen in far too long. When it gets to the point that you measure when you last saw friends in years, you know you haven't been making enough effort. I saw an old school friend today who has become, or is in the process of becoming a lawyer. It was really strange, I hadn't seen him in about three years and he didn't seem to have changed a bit, although I'm sure if I spent some time with him things might become apparent. I suppose people retain the same kind of attitude and humour throughout their whole life, and in essence they never really become a different person. I think after the age of about 18 you remain essentially the same character, however much you try to escape that.

Getting light

It's not quite getting light, especially as it's the middle of the night, but it may be by the time I finish this post. I feel the need to justify everything at the moment. Perhaps that's a natural inclination, due to the fact that I feel I need to give some sort of purpose or justification to everything I do in life. It's only when I'm truly distracted that I forget about these things. The problem there lies in the fact that I know I have problems, but that I also know they are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. My problems are relative to my own existence, and become meaningless when the smallest of things change. For instance, applying them to another would never work. Even if I step outside of my personal existence for a moment, or something happens to me they disappear immediately, yet somehow they remain persistent and loom dreadfully, affecting my ability to carry on with life and create some sense of achievement.

Perhaps it's just about getting round to doing something. I have naturally cut many of the elements of contemporary living out of my life so I have more time to do things when I'm busy, but then when I'm not busy, life weighs down on me heavily and I'm not able to carry out the things I have been wishing to do during my daydreaming at work. What really have I cut out? Television disappeared easily and with very little pain, playing computer games naturally became less interesting, and I seem to be going to the cinema far less than I used to. To what end? I manage to fill the time with things I apparently consider more worthwhile - reading and making good food and drinking coffee. Where does that desire to do my own work go? It exists so vividly whilst staring at the work computer screen, but immediately disappears in my cold Glasgow flat when the sun drifts out of the sky.

I am currently in Merston again, and things perpetually distract me here from writing music, such as engagements with my parents, applications for PhDs and suchlike. It makes me wonder why I struggle so to make time to write music and then fritter it away lardying round doing jack all. Perhaps I'm being pessimistic. The occasion of my laptop being stolen has made me realise that I need to restructure my approach to composition, and not just rely on age old techniques that were mislearnt in the first place. I need to start trusting my intuition when I write on paper and start being proud of the music I write in order to get it performed.

Nothing's stopping me from *not* doing music at the moment. I have a keen interest in visual art, which only seems to be strengthening as time goes on. I guess that could be the hobby which I've been waiting for, or maybe it could be another of my passing interests. I'll just have to wait and see what comes out of it. If all else fails I'm going to concentrate on doing whatever gives me excitement and joy at the particular time. It's not like my life is complicated, but I just seem to find difficulty inspiring myself to do things which have no set structure to work to. I'm partly obsessive about organising time and organising my organisation and being places on time, but I never plan my work, or the time I'm going to spend composing down to the last minute. For instance I know tomorrow that I'm going to get up, make coffee for some guests who are arriving, fill in some parts of the PhD application forms, and hopefully go into town to buy some nice paper to print my scores on for the submission. I haven't set aside any time for composition, so it's just going to happen whenever I feel like taking a break from staring at paper to go and sit in front of the piano with score paper.

I will need to structure this holiday if I'm going to do all the work which I need to. Let's start by saying I'll do one PhD application per day, not counting doing the binding of the scores and copying of CDs and DVDs, which can be done together. Then I'll be sorted and I can write down all those ideas that have been festering in my mind about the trio.

I spent the weekend in London enjoying myself, and it was a necessary liberation from everything that had come before. I was knackered but I needed to step out and forget about the rigmarole of Glasgow life. Although I promised myself I'd leave Glasgow as soon as I could after finishing college, I'm now well into my second year there and opportunities are presenting themselves to me after so much hard work. London was a major change of scenery, and intruiged me as to what sort of life I could build for myself there. I guess what interested me is the infinite possibilites there, especially when studying for an arts PhD. I'd feel at home there, even though it's not my home town - there is something I feel about being alienated in Glasgow, like I don't belong or that there's no true reflection of my personality in anything I try and stamp myself . It's something to do with not being able to force myself to be myself. I lapse too easily into acting and fail to enjoy whatever it is I'm doing when it happens. I've got to work on selling myself: it's the hardest sale of all.

Christmas cheer

Winter. I have not written here for four months and life is mightily different from when I last checked. Christmas is almost upon me and there have been some massive changes. I don't know where to begin to try to illustrate what has happened.

I'm living back in Glasgow, and at the moment sitting listening to the rain beat against the windows, and working on a Statement in Support of Application for a PhD at Goldsmiths. Second year running that I've been working on PhD applications, and it seems like I never really finished doing it last time. It seems like a never-ending struggle to keep people interested in anything I'm doing.

Talking about other things, I haven't written a note for ages. Well, that's not strictly true. I had been working on the score for Before/After but my laptop was stolen so I lost all I've done on it. I'm also working on a score for ThingNY but that's going equally as slowly, I think mainly due to my being frightened of actually setting pen to paper.

Asleep

All's quiet in Merston. There are no lights on in any of the houses, and when I switch the light off it's pitch black- literally you can't see where you're going. Usually you'd have a little light from the moon but it's cloudy and I don't think it's even out tonight. There's the occasional sound of a car passing, but other than that it's just the countryside rustling in the breeze. Peaceful.

So quiet because my parents have gone to the Midlands and left me home alone. I'm coping okay so far- I haven't broken anything and have managed to find things to eat. Tomorrow may prove a little more taxing when I decide to venture forth in the real world to buy food and get my hair cut, but I'm already mentally preparing myself. Should be fine.

Tonight I was a little bored so I watched yet another episode of Frasier and a film called The Cooler on the now free Film4. Both entertaining, and although Frasier seems a little dated it's still good. Let's just hope I don't get addicted to Lost and completely devote my life to series.

Love and knowledge

A woman just passed me whilst I have been here sitting in Chichester. Her daughter asked her if 'girls can marry girls' and the mother answered resolutely 'no'. However technically true this is (they're civil partnerships rather than actual marriage), I think the mother is failing to enlighten her daughter as to the true nature of current society- what's acceptable and what's changing. I'm sure her daughter will discover at some point the truth of the matter, but I couldn't help but stifle an objection.

I'm sitting near a car park in the centre of town enjoying the sunshine and peaceful nature of the city. It's pleasant being here, but you can't help feeling that people are quite contented with the way things are. There's everything here that someone could need, and no reason to complain as it's all of a high quality. Yet, somehow it seems a bit dead, as if there's actually no vital scene here. People undoubtedly come here to run their lives, and eventually die- in pleasant surroundings.

Anyway I've returned to meet my parents in the gallery down the road for a cup of tea. So back to life.

Panic

I've had a great weekend so far. Good food on Friday night and some great company.

However on Friday I drank a few coffees, not more than usual, but possibly shouldn't have had so many strong ones. Slept for a few hours that night and then went for coffee again at Beanscene in the morning. I didn't really feel odd until I got back home about midday and started to feel a bit twitchy. I then proceeded to have a massive panic attack for most of the afternoon, and only really recovered about 5 o'clock. My heart was beating really fast and I felt like I was going to die. I know what it was, but I don't remember a) the last time I had one or b) ever having had one that bad. I'm just really glad it's over and I never want to go through that again, so:

I have resolved not to drink anything with caffeine in until I feel like I can return, and then I'll take it in moderation. I know, I know - I hear you say what are you going to do without caffeine, but I'll just have to survive on coffee shop alternatives.

That over, and feeling distinctly more earth-bound today, I am off to play badminton and shake off the cobwebs before I go home on Tuesday for the rest of the Summer. I'm looking forward to it, as there seem to be some opportunities for work etc. I'm just looking forward to having a relax and good food.