Grigio

Today is a really grey day. Yesterday I received through the post a letter from the Koninklijk Conservatorium confirming their offer for me to study there, starting in September. After much discussion with different people, and especially after receiving this letter, I decided it wasn't such a bad idea after all, and especially since it would be almost free to study there I'd just have to make my way with my living expenses. There was the obvious problem of finding somewhere to live and getting a job that simply required me to speak English, but these seemed surmountable. The situation seemed to cry out 'Why not?' to me, so after a discussion with my mother, she backed me and said she'd support me all the way. After that, she handed the phone over to my father. I explained all the discussions I'd had and mentioned what mum had said, but he basically shot me down in my stride, bringing up all the discussions I'd had with him previously:

It's the PhD I want, not another qualification that doesn't mean anything.
I have all my contacts in the UK, which I'd forfeit on leaving.
I need financial support for doing it, and I simply don't have enough cash.

The last one, I think, was the clincher. I'd much prefer to struggle here for a year and have more money and /then/ go and do a PhD rather than find that the Hague wasn't the place for me and come back to be at square one.

All this indecisiveness really sucks. I think the important thing is that I've found something I like doing - teaching in a University. That's my long term goal, and I can put it off till I get my PhD, because I have to. In the meanwhile I have this year planned. Theatre, music, performance and travelling, with some application forms filled in along the way. It feels quite nice to have some things planned out like this, and if I can get out of Glasgow (I just need that excuse to go to the South of France) I think this summer'll make everything up to me. The sun seems to have arrived today, so I think I'll finish this part of the script and adjourn to the park.