Friday

This day seemed all wrong. I realised I was in the bathroom wearing someone else's socks. Somehow, though, through all the confusion, it's been perfect. Although I believe it's happened at the wrong time, but maybe you can't pick and choose when epiphanies happen- maybe they just occur. Purpose and destiny rarely coincide.

Worst birthday ever?

I think so.

Night time

I realised something lying here while I was trying in vain to get to sleep. The sound of the trees is intensely comforting. I think it's just the rustling of the leaves outside in the occasional gust of wind. And to be very unpoetic, the cars going past at the end of the road remind me there are plenty of other people in the world going about their business. It's just nice to know they're there.

Went to see a concert tonight of some contemporary music at the concert hall. While the concert itself wasn't greatly inspiring, the discussion afterwards was heated and interesting. Again the topic of innovation and conversely, refinement were talked about. Not that the two are mutually exclusive, just that it's difficult to find the two present in a single work. I guess that tonight they were upset that there was perhaps not enough of either- not enough daring to be different.

A week now and I'll be at home, enjoying the sunshine (fingers crossed) and planning my future. I think that the travelling idea is back on the cards, with very few ideal or feasible jobs knocking at my door. I'll keep looking but I think I'd like to keep the options open with regards to career plans, especially if I plan to do a PhD. I don't want to be working my way up in a job that I plan to leave. But there's nothing wrong with a little professional experience. Right must sleep.

Days after

Gig went extremely well. For such a technical gig, we ran into no problems whatsoever (hopefully the recording went without a glitch too!). Although it wasn't packed to the roof there were a good few people there to hear it, and I really enjoyed performing after I got past the initial worry and forgot about the audience. It was like I was playing at home, but when I looked up at the end there was an audience applauding me! For creating that racket...

Most of all I think all the performers enjoyed it so I think we'll definitely have a reunion at Street Level if they permit it. However my next projects are:

Start the soundtrack for Before/After - secure an agreement with Manchester University to do the recording.

Organise a performance/workshop session for Selva for the Autumn.

Write an album. Yes, this is my latest endeavour - I've found what I really need to do. It's the perfect embodiment of work, a neat package that encapsulates a project. I'm yet to work out what I'll put on it, but I think it's bound to be governed by a concept (not in the prog-rock sense).

Other than that I have another week here before my 'holiday' in Sussex comes around, with nothing to do and very little money. I'll just have to concentrate on things that are free, like keeping fit.

Purposefulness

Seemingly ridiculous word on paper, but yes it does exist. Anyway, Leasha's gone stateside for a while, Helena's in similar territory and Glasgow seems to have diminished to a select band of electro die-hards, gagging for experimental music (that's you if you're here on Wednesday night).

The days have changed to warm and humid weather, with cloud cover in the morning and early afternoon and clearing for pleasant evenings. I'm starting to lose faith that I'll ever find a job that has anything to do with anything I've done so far in my life. The 'graduate schemes' are starting to look more appealing, as everything else seems to require four years experience or a degree in a relevant field, invariably not music. I guess I'm starting to give up and hope that something may just walk my way at a convenient time, and the general admin posts are looking more suited to me again. How can that be? I've done the damn things for so many years, and hate them. There's something about that anonymous environment and the inconsequential work that you do that is comforting. Knowing your work could probably be done quicker and more efficiently by a machine, but that they choose a real person to humiliate instead fills me with an unknown and strange joy. That it's simply that easy to describe your job ('filing', 'labelling') is odd. I've been some places where I have almost asked them "Why have you hired me?" especially when the person in the booth next to me does little more than check the football scores and then phone his mates to discuss it, and all the planning he does is to organise fantasy football tournaments and the weekly trip to the pub.

How can I persuade people that I would work hard for a job more meaningful than that? I don't think you can. Best just plug on and make the most of life, although there's always those little niggles.

Tomorrow Tullis arrives for the gig, Bill arrives the day after and then we soundcheck, dine and perform. Almost too easy. I'll let you know how I feel about it afterwards, because at the moment I'm excited but yesterday I was feeling seriously apprehensive. I got my bass back from the repairers on Saturday (not without a terrible hangover from Friday) and it sounds great through the patch. I'm sure there'll be a sound-clip from the gig online before long, if I feel pleased with the performance.

I'm thinking about my next musical project, and what I was thinking of in April (it's been gestating) is producing an album. I see the future of music in recording rather than performance. The ipod generation is not going anywhere at the moment, and when music is available to everyone everywhere at the touch of a button, wirelessly, there won't be a need to go to a concert. We can all blog our latest performances and you can be at a festival for your favourite performance over your video phone or even on your 3g ipod. What's the point of turning up to a gig when everything is permanent and you can view it at any time after the event has taken place. The BBC already offers the facility of listening to most broadcasts again on the net, or as a podcast, whenever you feel like it. The next thing is getting that to your handheld device without the computer. Phones and mp3 players are already becoming more similar in terms of functionality, and it's only a matter of time before we can share everything quickly and easily.

I'll write this up eventually, but there's also my argument of how classical music does NOT fit into this. It's stuck in the dark ages. The contemporary music magazine spnm doesn't even offer sound clips of its shortlisted composers on the website, just some concert listings. It hardly even has photos. So much for hearing music. The refusal to move with any of the contemporary developments has killed contemporary classical music. Noone has heard of it, and certainly their are no peers outside of its own production - that is composers and their friends.

You've got to ask why this is, and I think it stems from the fact that classical music sounds terrible on cd. It just doesn't stand up to recording. People are so concerned with trying to capture the feel of a genuine classical music performance that they forget people don't have to facility to play back the music at that quality. It should sound good on any player, and it patently doesn't. Where do we stand? A refusal to adhere, and in the stagnant, not the revolutionary sense. The experimental factions in music are already way past anything that's happening at the moment in contemporary classical music, and I don't think we really deserve a look-in.

Solutions? Comments? Ideas?

Will the world last?

This is a very long train journey, and I haven't blogged since before I left for Chichester. Although I've been away from Scotland for less than a week, this last weekend has seemed like forever. Not in a bad way, just that it's been very memorable. I never thought that my parents' party would be such an event, but I had a really good time and met some people, who often remarked 'Gosh! I remember you when you were this high', indicating a height that I swear I never was, and of whom I have scant memory. Usually it's best to smile and nod and then return to serving drinks, but they all seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing and how much I'd done since they last saw me. It was a swelteringly hot day, and everyone was outside in the garden drinking sparkling wine and chatting. Everyone that my mum invited turned up, much to her surprise. She'd ordered a lorry-load of canapés for the guests, and my sister-in-law and I spent some of the morning cooking them, after my mum didn't realise they needed cooking and announced she was going off to change. I really didn't get much writing of music for this gig next week done, despite having spent so much time with Logic open on the Mac. It just doesn't seem to have happened. I struggled in the heat to battle with the stupid quirks of the program, and failed to make or produce any sounds that inspired me. I'll just have to hope for the best when I get back to Glasgow and battle against the odds.

I played loads of piano, especially for the party, and got some really encouraging comments, so I'm not giving up just yet. Although my bass is broken and I'm going to have to get it fixed before next week- not sure of the feasibility of that.

Had some interesting ideas about possible careers, some involving music and others not. I'm just not sure that there's a way for a classically trained pianist/composer to make any money in this day and age. Perhaps 60 years ago or more, but now it seems increasingly impossible to use the skillset I'm endowed with, unless it's in a University- and I then refer you to the section on always having to have a PhD before being able to teach in Higher Education. Oh well. Other avenues await me.

There's a glorious blue sky outside as I'm travelling up England, and the weather forecast for tomorrow is better than today. Highest temperatures for a while apparently, especially on the South Coast. I'm planning on iced lattes in the afternoon and composing early evening. Hopefully not much will distract me apart from possibly badminton and coffee. Much work to do.

A time to blog

I got my new phone a few days ago and I think it's about time to grace the email facility. Aside from the wonderful camera, and web browser and bluetooth and whole host of other things, it speeds up the process of writing, sending and receiving emails, although I'm thinking my monthly bill will be slightly larger as a result, even though I've got a really good contract with loads of free texts and minutes.
So. I'm in Sussex, as I got the phone delivered here rather than Glasgow. This evening we put up a Gazebo in the garden for the party on Sunday, and through dinner (take-away again) we got quite a few calls from people asking where our house was, and how long they could stay. It's only supposed to be a few hours, but loads have decided it'll be a good time to catch up. I somehow think we're going to be having a very large breakfast on Sunday. I'm also not feasibly going to get much time to compose over this weekend, so I think I'll be writing tomorrow when the hoards haven't arrived yet, and as soon as they depart on Monday. Perhaps I have done too much thinking about what I'm going to improvise at this gig. Maybe I should make an effort for it to be as spontaneous as possible, and concentrate less on the elements that are pre-defined.
Anyway, I get to see my niece again when she appears, which is always a pleasure. My dad and I are heading over to my brother's rented property to house sit for what sounds like a parcel. They're only renting this house while they look for another, but I think they've become rather settled there with the view over the downs and the bizarre layout of the house (I'll try to get some pictures).
It must be bedtime now so I think I'll see how Adso is doing (Name of the Rose).

Away

I'm off home tomorrow. Good tidings, as the weather there is currently six degrees hotter than here.

Party on Saturday - there'll be canapés, champagne, probably much fun, and best of all, me playing the piano.

Now I'm off to play pool for an hour, and have just recently returned from playing badminton - second set in less than a week. I just hope I can keep this up, and maybe I'll become fitter.

All quiet

I just went out for a walk, wondered where the world had got to, and just remembered the world cup final's on. I could hear the occasional roar/scream from the pubs a couple of blocks away.

Grigio

Today is a really grey day. Yesterday I received through the post a letter from the Koninklijk Conservatorium confirming their offer for me to study there, starting in September. After much discussion with different people, and especially after receiving this letter, I decided it wasn't such a bad idea after all, and especially since it would be almost free to study there I'd just have to make my way with my living expenses. There was the obvious problem of finding somewhere to live and getting a job that simply required me to speak English, but these seemed surmountable. The situation seemed to cry out 'Why not?' to me, so after a discussion with my mother, she backed me and said she'd support me all the way. After that, she handed the phone over to my father. I explained all the discussions I'd had and mentioned what mum had said, but he basically shot me down in my stride, bringing up all the discussions I'd had with him previously:

It's the PhD I want, not another qualification that doesn't mean anything.
I have all my contacts in the UK, which I'd forfeit on leaving.
I need financial support for doing it, and I simply don't have enough cash.

The last one, I think, was the clincher. I'd much prefer to struggle here for a year and have more money and /then/ go and do a PhD rather than find that the Hague wasn't the place for me and come back to be at square one.

All this indecisiveness really sucks. I think the important thing is that I've found something I like doing - teaching in a University. That's my long term goal, and I can put it off till I get my PhD, because I have to. In the meanwhile I have this year planned. Theatre, music, performance and travelling, with some application forms filled in along the way. It feels quite nice to have some things planned out like this, and if I can get out of Glasgow (I just need that excuse to go to the South of France) I think this summer'll make everything up to me. The sun seems to have arrived today, so I think I'll finish this part of the script and adjourn to the park.