Emotions

Has anyone noticed these things called emotions?

Recently they seem to be affecting me more than ever. They invade my personal space, disrupt what should be a perfectly normal task, cause me to make rash decisions and generally upset things. I think the problem is that I never remember them being a problem before. Call me hard-hearted, but my feelings about things don't seem to feature highly in my memory of situations, events and people. I remember things 'just happening', and I simply got on with my daily life without moping in the mornings or fretting about what I _feel_ about something. Perhaps it has something to do with my irritating habit of thinking about things too much. I ponder over situations far longer than is necessary, often without reaching a conclusion. I may dither in the local Sainsbury looking at the cereal selection wondering whether I /feel/ like weetabix or whether some more sugary and well merchandised brand might suit me better.

All this doesn't stop me from hiding them from people, though. Why should I tell people what my favourite jam is, or that I'm obsessed with the quality of tea I receive (which I am, incidentally)? In a society where there were a record number of stabbings in London at the New Year celebrations (35 to be precise), it makes me think that there is no place for people to cry over films or to coo over their neighbour's baby. Should we pull in the boundaries of our emotion? If people are capable of hatred of another human being, so much so that they decide they should not exist any longer, that should surely subtract from the amount of love. Sadness should surely increase through such an act. On the other hand, it could make us cling even more dearly to our creature comforts, pulling the things we love even closer toward us. As more things become acceptable in society that were once taboo, does that mean we care less about what we see, or that we simply are itching to see the next generation of boundaries flounted? Is it a constantly changing process or will we always be shocked by the scenes in Irreversible (www.imdb.com/title/tt0290673)?

It seems like I've raised more questions today than I intended to, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I was simply affected by the weather here. The sun raises at 9am and sets just after 3pm, and that does things to my emotional state that are not favourable. When I wake late and discover that the sun is as bright as it will get, and the sky is a blanket grey colour that joins seamlessly with the hard concrete pavement, forever unchanging each day, I think about my plans for the future. The need to move somewhere where I feel invigorated to be alive and awake. I enjoy being outside and stretching my legs, but when a place does its darndest to suffocate that with crushing blows of rain and bleakness, it takes away a thing I have nearly forgotten: ambition, spirit, a desire to do _something_. Why should I arise from a warm bed to a cold and dark, forbidding city when my body is telling me to hibernate?

Sombre tones today, and apologies for that. However I'm off to cook pasta alla carbonara, and make some much needed updates on a nearby website.