Money

I really didn't feel like getting up today. I looked at my curtains and tried to imagine the shaft of blinding sunlight that would invigorate me and make me feel ready for the day. I opened them to discover blanket grey sky once again, and once again wondered why I was here as I sat eating my cereal and watched the light struggle to creep through the kitchen window. The problem is that I do know why I'm here. I have _things_ happening here in the near future which are _important_ and _necessary_ for me. I just can't justify the painful time of waiting for them to happen, doing almost nothing productive or meaningful while the time ebbs away, simply living, and feeding the cycle of existence.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy that the things are happening, and if I didn't have those I'd be some dark place I can't even imagine. I just don't know if I can handle this 'live to work, work to live' ethic which rears its head again. I seem to have been doing it for so long now, years in fact, that the dim dream of someone paying me to do what I want to do has faded a little. That's what I still aspire to though, and my changing ambitions have provided a view of different areas of interest. What is a job anyway? I've treated it so far as a way to make money, and where has it got me? It's certainly provided a need to find a job that has a balance of income and personal justification. So far I've only had that in snippets, and it's never lasted for long enough. Suffice to say that working in a shop definitely didn't fill the second criteria, and gave me hardly enough of the first to justify not having the second. Things are changing though, and I'm beginning to understand what people mean by the over-used phrase 'job satisfaction'. Someone once criticised me for studying what he called my 'hobby', and I suddenly realised that meant in conventional society one's income necessarily went hand in hand with dissatisfaction.

Well, today I'm off to spend money on enjoying lunch, and tomorrow it's back to resenting having to work to earn money. Or should it be the other way around? Either way I need money if I'm going to go anywhere at any stage in the future.