Sunday Morning

I'm not sure what I want to write about today. Perhaps it would be good to reflect on the week. This is the first time I've really had to sit down and think about what's happened, and as it happens I'm still in bed with my green blanket round me listening to the sounds of my flatmates going about their business. There's something quite comforting about knowing that people will get on and do everything they need to do without your interaction. It makes me feel humble when I think how many people there are in the world that are unaware of my existence, and will pass their whole lives without coming even close to anything I interact with on a daily basis. What is the purpose of my life then if I know so few people, and it is a struggle even to have an effect on their lives? It must surely be then to pursue my own interests and discover my own needs and fulfil them. That seems altogether selfish, but the alternative is to be either ignorant of your true desires or vainly pursue this unattainable dream state of influence.

This week has been pleasantly busy. It seems I have not been in my flat much, which suits me fine. I have been entertaining myself with the pub and the good company of friends, and whiling away some hours with general chit-chat. It's been a tiring week though with full time work and trying to organise the ensemble to come to this rehearsal. It turns out that we didn't rehearse my piece on Saturday, although we've scheduled it for later down the line. Unfortunately some players could not attend the rehearsal which led to confusion over what would be suitable to play. It's looking like we'll only have full complement to rehearse on the day of the concert, which scares me a little, but I have every confidence in them.

Talking of exciting things, this is quite geeky but this week I'm going to buy Max/MSP. I'm looking forward to creating something really good with it for live performance. Finally perhaps I can really make some interesting sounds that I can reproduce on stage. Maybe I'll just post some up here if I can get it working properly.

I read 'The Outsider' this week, by Albert Camus. It made me realise that really a lot of the time I need to be more honest about my feelings, and rather than settling with what other people expect I should just say exactly what I feel. Sometimes that's the hardest thing, when you know what a person is hoping they'll hear. I think the problem is that feelings aren't black and white, and often I feel strongly about something, but hardly ever can I say that I feel truly disappointed or happy about something. There are so many shades inbetween that are more relevant.