I'm not sure what's up with me today. I just feel a _little_ melancholy. It's not even like I feel depressed, just like I don't really feel like socialising. Maybe that's what's wrong with me: perhaps I need a little brotherly love and I don't know it when it jumps up and slaps me in the face. Or perhaps it's that I needed a little prefuse73 and some silence in bed with Eco. It's these times when I realise tea and technology are my best friends, despite what anyone might tell you.
I sat surrounded by people I didn't know, a generation and a lifetime apart talking and making more friends. What's the point making more friends when the ones you have don't take you for granted? I think some of the problem is that I really think I'm the stable one, and that the people around me are changing and developing issues about things that weren't there before, when in fact I'm the one not explaining myself, giving any clues as to what I think or feel. I remain cryptic and elusive, or at least that's how I think people are seeing me. Maybe they see it as a lack of willingness to communicate, whereas I'm just fed up with communicating things that are worthless. Why say something if it has no meaning? Why listen if it's been said before? I'm struck with the consideration of what is a worthwhile conversation to have. Perhaps I should develop and distribute the meta-conversation: the ultimate discussion on the topic of discussion. Meaning versus communication.
Maybe I should just get on with work. Another identical day at the office melds into the week before where I photocopy pointless forms and pretend I'm interested in what I'm doing. What is the sense in my life if I do not achieve the things I set out to do? I suppose the proper question is 'where has the fun gone?', and has a simpler answer than one might imagine - I have no money. No matter what anyone says, money buys freedom in this country. With stability comes enjoyment of the time available, however small.
Having said that I am off to Italia this weekend, and am very excited. Buona notte!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Too busy to blog
I'm sure I have had a few minutes to sit down and blog sometime this week, but there's always been one thing that desperately needs doing, and of course that takes precedence over a web diary. I suppose when I got to Saturday and discovered that at 11 o'clock I didn't really have that much to came as a shock. The last week has been a hazy blur of work, play, playing, concerts and lots of walking about. Not that I don't enjoy it, just that I prefer to do things in smaller chunks, and not have days where I don't eat till 11pm.
On Thursday night after work and a rehearsal of a work of mine, I went to a concert accompanied by some fine fellow Scots. It was taking place in the new City Halls, the refurbished home of the BBC SSO. Unfortunately we arrived quite some time after the concert had started, and we were informed that we wouldn't be able to find out the programme, or even where we were before purchasing a ticket. Also they told us we'd have to pay full price. When we'd bought the tickets and gone to the door, we were told we couldn't enter between pieces because it was being recorded, and that the piece we were interested in hearing was probably before the interval. Also we were told that it was probable that Beethoven was the only piece in the second half. Frustration occurred and a manager was sought, who informed us even he didn't know the running order. After contacting someone closer to the orchestra, we discovered that actually the piece we wanted to hear was after the interval, so we sat down and had a drink in the bar while we waited for the people to come out. It was at this point we started discussing the shoddy paintwork and general build quality of the refurbishment. I pointed out some cabling behind me, a few plugs with bare wires exposed, which I poked at, and then to my dismay the lights went out in the bar. We swiftly moved seats to avoid detection, but to no avail as we were the only people in the bar. Don't worry we managed to look innocent enough and they didn't question us. Suffice to say that the piece we were hoping to listen to, by a rarely heard Italian composer who died recently, was very disappointing. The hype surrounding his work was, I believe, unjustified after having heard that work.
I'm off to Italy in less than a week, and I must say the excitement is increasing. I have enough to do before then though, and prepare sufficiently in time for the flight leaving. I think the impending week is going to be as hectic, if not more than the previous one, so I'm looking foward to more fun and frolics. I'll be web designing this week for a member of the family, and I'm anxious to do a really good job for them and do their work the justice it deserves. Not just that but make sure it gets the press over the internet it really needs. I'm sure attention is the last thing they need, but it might just bolster some confidence.
Off now to more rehearsal. At least the sun is shining today. It's just hit me over the top of the tenements. I'll post when I can, probably in work.
On Thursday night after work and a rehearsal of a work of mine, I went to a concert accompanied by some fine fellow Scots. It was taking place in the new City Halls, the refurbished home of the BBC SSO. Unfortunately we arrived quite some time after the concert had started, and we were informed that we wouldn't be able to find out the programme, or even where we were before purchasing a ticket. Also they told us we'd have to pay full price. When we'd bought the tickets and gone to the door, we were told we couldn't enter between pieces because it was being recorded, and that the piece we were interested in hearing was probably before the interval. Also we were told that it was probable that Beethoven was the only piece in the second half. Frustration occurred and a manager was sought, who informed us even he didn't know the running order. After contacting someone closer to the orchestra, we discovered that actually the piece we wanted to hear was after the interval, so we sat down and had a drink in the bar while we waited for the people to come out. It was at this point we started discussing the shoddy paintwork and general build quality of the refurbishment. I pointed out some cabling behind me, a few plugs with bare wires exposed, which I poked at, and then to my dismay the lights went out in the bar. We swiftly moved seats to avoid detection, but to no avail as we were the only people in the bar. Don't worry we managed to look innocent enough and they didn't question us. Suffice to say that the piece we were hoping to listen to, by a rarely heard Italian composer who died recently, was very disappointing. The hype surrounding his work was, I believe, unjustified after having heard that work.
I'm off to Italy in less than a week, and I must say the excitement is increasing. I have enough to do before then though, and prepare sufficiently in time for the flight leaving. I think the impending week is going to be as hectic, if not more than the previous one, so I'm looking foward to more fun and frolics. I'll be web designing this week for a member of the family, and I'm anxious to do a really good job for them and do their work the justice it deserves. Not just that but make sure it gets the press over the internet it really needs. I'm sure attention is the last thing they need, but it might just bolster some confidence.
Off now to more rehearsal. At least the sun is shining today. It's just hit me over the top of the tenements. I'll post when I can, probably in work.
Monday, February 20, 2006
If everybody told the truth
I think we'd be lying to each other.
Today looks like another blue sky and bitter cold day. On Sunday I sat in Kelvingrove park, at the top near Park Circus and enjoyed the glorious sunshine. I thought about what things change a person's view, and what makes them happy. I am happy to say I was contented then, and felt like I didn't need to _be_ anywhere. There are a few clouds moving past today as I write, but the majority of the sky is a brilliant blue.
I have to find a new place to live. Simple as it might seem, but it is in reality quite a daunting task. The major problem is hopefully not in finding somewhere to live but in moving the truckload of stuff I seem to have acquired. Perhaps I should just consider getting rid of a chunk of it. I know there's a box with things in the storage cupboard that is almost totally redundant. Since my life seems to be spent either on my laptop or in a coffee shop, perhaps I should consider ditching some of these things that I might eventually use. It's just that there are a lot of things that I keep for sentimental or aesthetic reasons: I've owned a lot of my parents' artwork over the years and I didn't realise how many items I have here, let alone at home. I suppose the real problem is not this laptop but the other bulky computer that just takes up too much space. It's alway been a pain moving it and perhaps now should be the time that I thought about a solution for either replacing or ditching it.
Life is very simple at the moment, and that certainly suits the occasion. I have:
No music to write
Only one day a week work
No impending performances
and I'm really quite enjoying it. It gives me time to read all those things I've been meaning to read for the past six months. Time to write my blog. Time to talk to those people I've been neglecting for all this time, and start some collaborative projects that I really think are worthwhile. I can also sort out the electronic gig which has seemingly been put on permanent hiatus despite my efforts.
I'm also looking forward to a trip to Italy in a couple of weeks to write music and enjoy life, Italian style. The good thing is that I don't really have to prepare much before I go out there, I simply have to sit down and write music. I considered for a while going to study in Italy - Rome or Florence - since I love the history and the intrigue, the way of life and the weather there. I suppose the thing which stuck in the back of my mind is that you could never really /become/ an Italian, you're always a foreigner who's settled there at one time or another. The pros outweigh the cons though - it'd be great learning the language and finding a place to live in such a historic city. Well, I think we should wait and hear back from the New York institute before thinking about other plans - a week till the end of the month and I'm waiting for that letter.
Today looks like another blue sky and bitter cold day. On Sunday I sat in Kelvingrove park, at the top near Park Circus and enjoyed the glorious sunshine. I thought about what things change a person's view, and what makes them happy. I am happy to say I was contented then, and felt like I didn't need to _be_ anywhere. There are a few clouds moving past today as I write, but the majority of the sky is a brilliant blue.
I have to find a new place to live. Simple as it might seem, but it is in reality quite a daunting task. The major problem is hopefully not in finding somewhere to live but in moving the truckload of stuff I seem to have acquired. Perhaps I should just consider getting rid of a chunk of it. I know there's a box with things in the storage cupboard that is almost totally redundant. Since my life seems to be spent either on my laptop or in a coffee shop, perhaps I should consider ditching some of these things that I might eventually use. It's just that there are a lot of things that I keep for sentimental or aesthetic reasons: I've owned a lot of my parents' artwork over the years and I didn't realise how many items I have here, let alone at home. I suppose the real problem is not this laptop but the other bulky computer that just takes up too much space. It's alway been a pain moving it and perhaps now should be the time that I thought about a solution for either replacing or ditching it.
Life is very simple at the moment, and that certainly suits the occasion. I have:
No music to write
Only one day a week work
No impending performances
and I'm really quite enjoying it. It gives me time to read all those things I've been meaning to read for the past six months. Time to write my blog. Time to talk to those people I've been neglecting for all this time, and start some collaborative projects that I really think are worthwhile. I can also sort out the electronic gig which has seemingly been put on permanent hiatus despite my efforts.
I'm also looking forward to a trip to Italy in a couple of weeks to write music and enjoy life, Italian style. The good thing is that I don't really have to prepare much before I go out there, I simply have to sit down and write music. I considered for a while going to study in Italy - Rome or Florence - since I love the history and the intrigue, the way of life and the weather there. I suppose the thing which stuck in the back of my mind is that you could never really /become/ an Italian, you're always a foreigner who's settled there at one time or another. The pros outweigh the cons though - it'd be great learning the language and finding a place to live in such a historic city. Well, I think we should wait and hear back from the New York institute before thinking about other plans - a week till the end of the month and I'm waiting for that letter.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Last week and further
I think it's about time I reflected on the past week.
Many things happened, and I had very little sleep. Apart from all occuring in a hazy blur, which was to be expected, I now have a overawing sense of relief and serenity. I have (almost) nothing to do, I have some free time in which to plan things. Perhaps things aren't so bad at all. Since I can now gloat in the glory of having put on a good concert, which was reviewed well (Herald Review) I feel a little better. Maybe what we're doing isn't so bad, and perhaps people are sitting up and taking note.
Most of Monday to Wednesday was taken up organising people to be where they should be, and then Thursday was packed from door to door with tech set up, rehearsal, pizza and concert. I just can't believe we actually pulled it off well and people said they enjoyed it. I think that's the best thing about it, and also how much I got out of playing in the ensemble. It's amazing how different ensemble is to solo playing, that you play with this great group of people and are part of a really big machine that relies on you to work. Not only did solo playing really scare me, but I just found it so unnecessary to perform in front of people that I never really ever achieved perfection with any works. I practised the parts I enjoyed and never got to the bottom of the others.
After the gig it was my first day of lecturing at the University, and all went well. It was far more relaxed than the other places I've been, and I felt comfortable doing it. I think this is really something I can grow to enjoy and one thing I can keep in my life for ever: my expertise in certain (some would say defunct) areas are invaluable. Maybe one day I'll get to the bottom of this music lark.
And then finally my friend from Manchester came to stay. You might say I was tired by the time he arrived on Friday afternoon, as soon as I returned from teaching. I think I was exhausted, but his presence cheered me up and we talked through the night to the tune of many beers. We covered the film he's shooting in the coming months, my suggestions and our approach to the sound and music involved. It was refreshing to see someone with a construc
Many things happened, and I had very little sleep. Apart from all occuring in a hazy blur, which was to be expected, I now have a overawing sense of relief and serenity. I have (almost) nothing to do, I have some free time in which to plan things. Perhaps things aren't so bad at all. Since I can now gloat in the glory of having put on a good concert, which was reviewed well (Herald Review) I feel a little better. Maybe what we're doing isn't so bad, and perhaps people are sitting up and taking note.
Most of Monday to Wednesday was taken up organising people to be where they should be, and then Thursday was packed from door to door with tech set up, rehearsal, pizza and concert. I just can't believe we actually pulled it off well and people said they enjoyed it. I think that's the best thing about it, and also how much I got out of playing in the ensemble. It's amazing how different ensemble is to solo playing, that you play with this great group of people and are part of a really big machine that relies on you to work. Not only did solo playing really scare me, but I just found it so unnecessary to perform in front of people that I never really ever achieved perfection with any works. I practised the parts I enjoyed and never got to the bottom of the others.
After the gig it was my first day of lecturing at the University, and all went well. It was far more relaxed than the other places I've been, and I felt comfortable doing it. I think this is really something I can grow to enjoy and one thing I can keep in my life for ever: my expertise in certain (some would say defunct) areas are invaluable. Maybe one day I'll get to the bottom of this music lark.
And then finally my friend from Manchester came to stay. You might say I was tired by the time he arrived on Friday afternoon, as soon as I returned from teaching. I think I was exhausted, but his presence cheered me up and we talked through the night to the tune of many beers. We covered the film he's shooting in the coming months, my suggestions and our approach to the sound and music involved. It was refreshing to see someone with a construc
Monday, February 06, 2006
Sun, Buckie and No Sand
Well I suppose it had to end sooner or later didn't it. The good weather has finally passed and we're back to cloudy. My trusty BBC weather widget is telling me there'll be sun later in the week but I doubt I'll be able to enjoy it at all as I'll be inside rigging for the gig. Just as well I think, I know I should be inside sorting these things out because I'll really enjoy it at the end of the day even though it's been a real heartache trying to sort everything out. There's always one more thing to sort out, and I just know that some of these things will be left till the last minute as is customary. I think there's always one thing that noone thought of, as usual.
Having said that, things generally are going very well. I'm enjoying myself immensely with the rehearsals etc., it seems I get a lot out of playing even though I'm not absolutely sure of myself all of the time. I suppose I just want to do the best I possibly can, and I get irritated when I fall below that ideal. We live and learn.
Einstein on the Beach was accompanying my walk tonight along the orange-lit streets, and somehow it seemed appropriate that I should be playing music that did not really fit the occasion. Uplifting I suppose you could call it, and it certainly lifted my spirits and made me think about the music I want to write. Something that hasn't been written and must be written, something that is indispensible to me and can become indispensible to others. I think the problem is that I can express that in so many other different ways, but seemingly it gets lost in music while I'm trying to write the notes down. When you hear it, it comes out totally different to the way it should be. Emotions are a complex thing, and retrospective emotion is a difficult one to deal with. You hear the phrase 'rose-tinted glasses' being used, and when I think back to times when I wish there was change, I see myself as happy and contented. I know it's difficult to see things as they are _now_ but I really think that there are some changes that need to be effected before I become settled. When will I achieve something other than placid indifference, which is the only way I come to some sort of solace?
Having said that, things generally are going very well. I'm enjoying myself immensely with the rehearsals etc., it seems I get a lot out of playing even though I'm not absolutely sure of myself all of the time. I suppose I just want to do the best I possibly can, and I get irritated when I fall below that ideal. We live and learn.
Einstein on the Beach was accompanying my walk tonight along the orange-lit streets, and somehow it seemed appropriate that I should be playing music that did not really fit the occasion. Uplifting I suppose you could call it, and it certainly lifted my spirits and made me think about the music I want to write. Something that hasn't been written and must be written, something that is indispensible to me and can become indispensible to others. I think the problem is that I can express that in so many other different ways, but seemingly it gets lost in music while I'm trying to write the notes down. When you hear it, it comes out totally different to the way it should be. Emotions are a complex thing, and retrospective emotion is a difficult one to deal with. You hear the phrase 'rose-tinted glasses' being used, and when I think back to times when I wish there was change, I see myself as happy and contented. I know it's difficult to see things as they are _now_ but I really think that there are some changes that need to be effected before I become settled. When will I achieve something other than placid indifference, which is the only way I come to some sort of solace?
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Ten minutes to go
Yesterday I saw an excellent concert where I was surprised by a number of works. Three in fact, and three there were in the concert altogether. A certain Scottish composer proved his talent, and also an unnamed ensemble were above standard, showing the sort of performance I reserved for the digital efforts of a first rate recording studio. Sounds surprised me, and the overall force of the concert (given it was amplified) was astounding. So many times a lacklustre performance is put forward with little volume, and assertion and I am left wanting. It makes me realise there are some serious benefits to 'classical' music. The raw dynamic energy of professional players can't be substituted with anything.
Today is the first day of a new month, and it holds many interesting things. A brighter month and a brighter future, the sky may be grey but the outlook is not. I start teaching at University, I have a piece premiered and rehearsals start for another. I may even here back from the New York university, fingers crossed. Perhaps the weather might even turn a little warmer (but let's leave that to the imagination). And I nearly forgot - I'm going to Italy a the end of the month to write a film score. Only joy ahead for me. I'm just wondering which one has really got me excited, or if it's just the final prospect of being busy and occupying my mind. Time only will tell.
More on my impending tasks soon but now I must adjourn to the coffee shop for some relaxation and pleasant company.
Today is the first day of a new month, and it holds many interesting things. A brighter month and a brighter future, the sky may be grey but the outlook is not. I start teaching at University, I have a piece premiered and rehearsals start for another. I may even here back from the New York university, fingers crossed. Perhaps the weather might even turn a little warmer (but let's leave that to the imagination). And I nearly forgot - I'm going to Italy a the end of the month to write a film score. Only joy ahead for me. I'm just wondering which one has really got me excited, or if it's just the final prospect of being busy and occupying my mind. Time only will tell.
More on my impending tasks soon but now I must adjourn to the coffee shop for some relaxation and pleasant company.
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