I received a letter from my dad today which had a stamp on it, and the stamp itself has a picture of a sabre tooth cat. The cat is growling in a fierce, yet melancholy way. I don't know why I've stopped to look at it, just that I particularly like the appearance of this stamp. It makes me feel... necessary. Necessary to someone else, that they've gone to the trouble of creating something that enables one person to communicate with another, and that this object should be something of aesthetic worth.
A previously unnamed communications company who have provided me with some hours of grief after they announced after I moved flat that actually they couldn't move either broadband or telephone as there was 'no cabling in my building'. This wouldn't have infuriated me quite so much if it wasn't that I had moved just three blocks down, in a well populated area of Glasgow. I just couldn't get why they wouldn't have bothered giving access to one street and not the other, but that's the way of the world. As it is, they're going to charge me for disconnection - the rest of my contract, because they can't install it. Yet another huge bill to pay.
Well today I'm in Edinburgh for teaching again, and it seems like I'm coming to some conclusions about what I want to do, at least in the immediate future. I'm going to investigate all the opportunities presented to me, and not ignore anything. Let's go wherever I choose to, and do all the concerts I think I should do. I'm going to follow up all those leads I meant to so long ago. Life should be fun...
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Wet Sunday afternoons
Well this is your typical wet Sunday afternoon. I'm sitting here in Offshore having a quiet drink and surfing the internet. Perhaps I'm better off alone, or maybe that's a preconception that I've begun to believe as truth. Or maybe I'm just hungry and I should go home for some lunch.
New flat is working out nicely, and with a bit of effort my room might look better. Perhaps I should unpack the rest of the stuff that's in my room and settle in properly. The problem is I have too much stuff, and not enough storage space or furniture. I saw a nice table for only £30 in a shop, and since I have a small wobbly thing at the moment, it might be a worthwhile investment. I do however, have a futon-sofa thing that is very comfortable and a welcome place to relax and watch movies in the room.
I've been planning what to do in the rest of this year and, well, the rest of my life. I don't see why I can't just do what I want - travel, write music and earn money in the times inbetween (and maybe during if I plan right). I'm going home in a few weeks and I'll have time to think about it more then, but I had a very useful time this Friday past, sitting in a coffee shop in Edinburgh with a notebook, writing down exactly what I wanted and then deciding how I could act on iit. Somehow it makes it easier to have it all down on paper. I think one of the main conclusions I came to was that I want to be a musician and a performer, and I want to just take life easy and strive for those things that mean something to me. Maybe that's selfish but I don't see what else could bring me satisfaction.
Perhaps we'll get internet in the flat tomorrow, and then I'll put posts a little more frequently. Start of a new week, and time to sort all those things that have Sat Untouched for so long. Perhaps I'll get a new phone as well.
New flat is working out nicely, and with a bit of effort my room might look better. Perhaps I should unpack the rest of the stuff that's in my room and settle in properly. The problem is I have too much stuff, and not enough storage space or furniture. I saw a nice table for only £30 in a shop, and since I have a small wobbly thing at the moment, it might be a worthwhile investment. I do however, have a futon-sofa thing that is very comfortable and a welcome place to relax and watch movies in the room.
I've been planning what to do in the rest of this year and, well, the rest of my life. I don't see why I can't just do what I want - travel, write music and earn money in the times inbetween (and maybe during if I plan right). I'm going home in a few weeks and I'll have time to think about it more then, but I had a very useful time this Friday past, sitting in a coffee shop in Edinburgh with a notebook, writing down exactly what I wanted and then deciding how I could act on iit. Somehow it makes it easier to have it all down on paper. I think one of the main conclusions I came to was that I want to be a musician and a performer, and I want to just take life easy and strive for those things that mean something to me. Maybe that's selfish but I don't see what else could bring me satisfaction.
Perhaps we'll get internet in the flat tomorrow, and then I'll put posts a little more frequently. Start of a new week, and time to sort all those things that have Sat Untouched for so long. Perhaps I'll get a new phone as well.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Magritte
How strange it is to sit in an empty room and imagine what it was like with your belongings in. I am today moving the last few little things to my new flat, and currently only have internet access in my old flat. The internet has been scheduled to be moved at the beginning of next week, so perhaps not many posts in the next few days, although there haven't been many recently anyway.
After returning from Italy last Wednesday evening, everything's been a bit of a blur. Thursday was spent packing and preparing to move, and a little faffing put in along with a late rising (due to so much travelling). Friday I was teaching, and on Saturday I moved the bulk of the rest of my things to the new flat. In the evening I went to a birthday party which turned into a trip on Sunday into the hills and eventually to a youth hostel somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The Scottish Highlands really are amazing, and we were staying not far from a ski resort, and had beautiful views of the snow capped mountains. It reminded me of the Alps the week previous in Italy, and I couldn't help wandering outside while the snow fell in the morning. It took us all day to return on Monday, and I was very tired by the time we arrived. It wasn't until Tuesday that I had time to take stock of all the stuff I had still to move, and yesterday and today have been used to move the last few things. I took a break last night and watched Howl's Moving Castle, which was excellent but lacked perhaps a little something truly magical. Nevertheless it is a film I'd watch again, given the chance.
The other piece of major news which is going to plague me is that I got rejected. Rejected. This puts everything into turmoil. I don't have any plans for September now, and it scares me a little. I have no reason to write music, and subsequently no justification for any work I do in life. Maybe that's going a little over the top, but I do feel that it was totally unfair to outright reject me. Maybe that's totally egotistic of me, but I feel that I really put everything I could into that application and it was all for nothing. I started it nearly five months ago, and I've been living with a little glimmer of hope that they might offer me a chance. I suppose it's just really frustrating, but it makes me not want to _do_ anything. I have to unpack my room and there's no space to put anything, so it's going to have to stay in boxes until I figure out what to do with it.
I've just noticed there's a guy standing on the roof opposite on a mobile phone, with a clipboard, peering intently at the apex of the roof. I wonder what he's doing there, and why a roof needs such careful notes taken on it.
Today I felt like staying in bed until everything went away, but I realised that wasn't going to happen, so I got out of bed and came here to be a little quiet and plan a few things. I still feel like running away from it all, as it really is difficult when there's so much change and so little to do. Maybe I could continue working in a dead end job until I die, and that way I would achieve catharsis, or perhaps running away again would do me some good. I feel like the change (not just moving house) needs to be there because I've prepared for it, but so I can release myself from the bondage of emotional atrophy. I've built up a barrier to protect myself, and it's just making me unhappier, and it's spiralling down towards something tragic. Hopefully today is the worst day, and the rest will be easier. Perhaps I need a holiday after a holiday, something to clear my head. Let's just wait and see.
After returning from Italy last Wednesday evening, everything's been a bit of a blur. Thursday was spent packing and preparing to move, and a little faffing put in along with a late rising (due to so much travelling). Friday I was teaching, and on Saturday I moved the bulk of the rest of my things to the new flat. In the evening I went to a birthday party which turned into a trip on Sunday into the hills and eventually to a youth hostel somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The Scottish Highlands really are amazing, and we were staying not far from a ski resort, and had beautiful views of the snow capped mountains. It reminded me of the Alps the week previous in Italy, and I couldn't help wandering outside while the snow fell in the morning. It took us all day to return on Monday, and I was very tired by the time we arrived. It wasn't until Tuesday that I had time to take stock of all the stuff I had still to move, and yesterday and today have been used to move the last few things. I took a break last night and watched Howl's Moving Castle, which was excellent but lacked perhaps a little something truly magical. Nevertheless it is a film I'd watch again, given the chance.
The other piece of major news which is going to plague me is that I got rejected. Rejected. This puts everything into turmoil. I don't have any plans for September now, and it scares me a little. I have no reason to write music, and subsequently no justification for any work I do in life. Maybe that's going a little over the top, but I do feel that it was totally unfair to outright reject me. Maybe that's totally egotistic of me, but I feel that I really put everything I could into that application and it was all for nothing. I started it nearly five months ago, and I've been living with a little glimmer of hope that they might offer me a chance. I suppose it's just really frustrating, but it makes me not want to _do_ anything. I have to unpack my room and there's no space to put anything, so it's going to have to stay in boxes until I figure out what to do with it.
I've just noticed there's a guy standing on the roof opposite on a mobile phone, with a clipboard, peering intently at the apex of the roof. I wonder what he's doing there, and why a roof needs such careful notes taken on it.
Today I felt like staying in bed until everything went away, but I realised that wasn't going to happen, so I got out of bed and came here to be a little quiet and plan a few things. I still feel like running away from it all, as it really is difficult when there's so much change and so little to do. Maybe I could continue working in a dead end job until I die, and that way I would achieve catharsis, or perhaps running away again would do me some good. I feel like the change (not just moving house) needs to be there because I've prepared for it, but so I can release myself from the bondage of emotional atrophy. I've built up a barrier to protect myself, and it's just making me unhappier, and it's spiralling down towards something tragic. Hopefully today is the worst day, and the rest will be easier. Perhaps I need a holiday after a holiday, something to clear my head. Let's just wait and see.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Always said and never spoken
Today was an interesting day. My first full day since being back in the country, and it hasn't changed. I don't know how I feel about being here yet but it certainly reminds me how difficult things can be.
It's not that I didn't enjoy today - I certainly found that people can surprise you - it's just I found that a reassessment of things you've become used to are necessary. I also remember that one wise person said that if you're not happy with the place you're living in, it's usually yourself that you're unhappy with. I'm not sure how much truth there is in that, as I have certainly been happier in other places more so than here. I just found myself thinking that I'd like to be in a place that isn't here. For example, today as I returned to the train station in Edinburgh to get the train back to Glasgow, I saw the GNER train for London leaving, and felt an overwhelming urge to get on it. Perhaps a psychologist might tell me that this is to do with a desire to hide from my fears, that I need to confront the things which are troubling me rather than running away from them, but I really believe that I just wanted to go home and see my parents for a night or two.
In Italy I saw the wood for the trees (a phrase that doesn't really translate into Italian - 'legno? no, no bosco...') and realised that I just haven't found a happy medium in Glasgow, even a compensation for the things that make me happy. I can't seem to make up for the missing elements, no matter how hard I try. Let's face it: the indigenous food is crap, consistingly mainly of deep fried battered sundry items containing varying amounts of meat. Yes yes, I hear you say 'alternatives are available' but this is not my point. My point is that there aren't enough of the things that I like available (both spiritually and physically) so I have to make do, and it's getting to the time when I need that to change. Perhaps another trip away or some time on my own will settle that.
Anyway I saw a advertisement in the street that told me I had 15 days to live, and I thought about what I would do if that were the case. Perhaps I should get on that train when I want rather than worrying about consequences. I read a quote today that said those people that are late are always happier than the people that are waiting for them. Vero, vero.
It's not that I didn't enjoy today - I certainly found that people can surprise you - it's just I found that a reassessment of things you've become used to are necessary. I also remember that one wise person said that if you're not happy with the place you're living in, it's usually yourself that you're unhappy with. I'm not sure how much truth there is in that, as I have certainly been happier in other places more so than here. I just found myself thinking that I'd like to be in a place that isn't here. For example, today as I returned to the train station in Edinburgh to get the train back to Glasgow, I saw the GNER train for London leaving, and felt an overwhelming urge to get on it. Perhaps a psychologist might tell me that this is to do with a desire to hide from my fears, that I need to confront the things which are troubling me rather than running away from them, but I really believe that I just wanted to go home and see my parents for a night or two.
In Italy I saw the wood for the trees (a phrase that doesn't really translate into Italian - 'legno? no, no bosco...') and realised that I just haven't found a happy medium in Glasgow, even a compensation for the things that make me happy. I can't seem to make up for the missing elements, no matter how hard I try. Let's face it: the indigenous food is crap, consistingly mainly of deep fried battered sundry items containing varying amounts of meat. Yes yes, I hear you say 'alternatives are available' but this is not my point. My point is that there aren't enough of the things that I like available (both spiritually and physically) so I have to make do, and it's getting to the time when I need that to change. Perhaps another trip away or some time on my own will settle that.
Anyway I saw a advertisement in the street that told me I had 15 days to live, and I thought about what I would do if that were the case. Perhaps I should get on that train when I want rather than worrying about consequences. I read a quote today that said those people that are late are always happier than the people that are waiting for them. Vero, vero.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Returning
Sent via MMS
Work, play, whatever they say it's always the same for me. My work seems to have become my leisure, if that's the thing that you enjoy. I don't think it really matters if you get paid to do what you do- I certainly would derive no extra pleasure from payment. In fact I think it might take something away from the desire to achieve perfection when there are no other material aims, apart from completion. Now that I'm on my way back it doesn't seem like I'm returning anymore. I don't know how one can forge a connection so quickly with something so alien, but I think it has to do with positive experience. A culture of reward and a basic need to express oneself without fear of undeserved negative criticism. What I'm getting at is the basic bond between individuals- I may be wrong but it seems to me there is no inherent negativity. Perhaps that comes about through the ability to do nothing- that even the simplest of tasks is without repercussion. Rose-tinted glasses. Ciao.
Work, play, whatever they say it's always the same for me. My work seems to have become my leisure, if that's the thing that you enjoy. I don't think it really matters if you get paid to do what you do- I certainly would derive no extra pleasure from payment. In fact I think it might take something away from the desire to achieve perfection when there are no other material aims, apart from completion. Now that I'm on my way back it doesn't seem like I'm returning anymore. I don't know how one can forge a connection so quickly with something so alien, but I think it has to do with positive experience. A culture of reward and a basic need to express oneself without fear of undeserved negative criticism. What I'm getting at is the basic bond between individuals- I may be wrong but it seems to me there is no inherent negativity. Perhaps that comes about through the ability to do nothing- that even the simplest of tasks is without repercussion. Rose-tinted glasses. Ciao.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
¿C'è nessuno?
Sent by MMS.
Well. What is it about the Italian way of working that is so different to the British? There are so many I don't think you can start to compare them, but there are a few I love and a few that I hate. Nothing, and I mean nothing, starts on time. Not that that's a problem but it takes a wee while to get used to it. I suppose it has something to do with the weather. Permanent warm weather makes one a little lazy, although it's cold at the moment it's usually scorching in the summer.
They also love their philosophy, and this impedes the progress of things a little although it can produce a better product. Caffe and a chat are constant companions to the day- suits me just fine. I really can't imagine having had a better time here so far. I've seen Bologna which was beautiful and slept in an attic apartment with a wonderful view. Ah, but more when I return.
Well. What is it about the Italian way of working that is so different to the British? There are so many I don't think you can start to compare them, but there are a few I love and a few that I hate. Nothing, and I mean nothing, starts on time. Not that that's a problem but it takes a wee while to get used to it. I suppose it has something to do with the weather. Permanent warm weather makes one a little lazy, although it's cold at the moment it's usually scorching in the summer.
They also love their philosophy, and this impedes the progress of things a little although it can produce a better product. Caffe and a chat are constant companions to the day- suits me just fine. I really can't imagine having had a better time here so far. I've seen Bologna which was beautiful and slept in an attic apartment with a wonderful view. Ah, but more when I return.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Airports
Sent via MMS
Well I've been sitting here for a while reflecting on things, listening to music and losing previous drafts of this message. I've come to yet another conclusion- I really have it good. I'm waiting for the plane to Italy with the sun over my shoulder and good music playing in my ears. I should really be more grateful that I can do what I can do when I want to- not many people have that privelidge. I need to spend more time with the people I care about and do them justice rather than worrying about enjoying life. I'll be there for them. But now I have to get on this plane. See you soon amici.
Well I've been sitting here for a while reflecting on things, listening to music and losing previous drafts of this message. I've come to yet another conclusion- I really have it good. I'm waiting for the plane to Italy with the sun over my shoulder and good music playing in my ears. I should really be more grateful that I can do what I can do when I want to- not many people have that privelidge. I need to spend more time with the people I care about and do them justice rather than worrying about enjoying life. I'll be there for them. But now I have to get on this plane. See you soon amici.
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