Magritte

How strange it is to sit in an empty room and imagine what it was like with your belongings in. I am today moving the last few little things to my new flat, and currently only have internet access in my old flat. The internet has been scheduled to be moved at the beginning of next week, so perhaps not many posts in the next few days, although there haven't been many recently anyway.

After returning from Italy last Wednesday evening, everything's been a bit of a blur. Thursday was spent packing and preparing to move, and a little faffing put in along with a late rising (due to so much travelling). Friday I was teaching, and on Saturday I moved the bulk of the rest of my things to the new flat. In the evening I went to a birthday party which turned into a trip on Sunday into the hills and eventually to a youth hostel somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The Scottish Highlands really are amazing, and we were staying not far from a ski resort, and had beautiful views of the snow capped mountains. It reminded me of the Alps the week previous in Italy, and I couldn't help wandering outside while the snow fell in the morning. It took us all day to return on Monday, and I was very tired by the time we arrived. It wasn't until Tuesday that I had time to take stock of all the stuff I had still to move, and yesterday and today have been used to move the last few things. I took a break last night and watched Howl's Moving Castle, which was excellent but lacked perhaps a little something truly magical. Nevertheless it is a film I'd watch again, given the chance.

The other piece of major news which is going to plague me is that I got rejected. Rejected. This puts everything into turmoil. I don't have any plans for September now, and it scares me a little. I have no reason to write music, and subsequently no justification for any work I do in life. Maybe that's going a little over the top, but I do feel that it was totally unfair to outright reject me. Maybe that's totally egotistic of me, but I feel that I really put everything I could into that application and it was all for nothing. I started it nearly five months ago, and I've been living with a little glimmer of hope that they might offer me a chance. I suppose it's just really frustrating, but it makes me not want to _do_ anything. I have to unpack my room and there's no space to put anything, so it's going to have to stay in boxes until I figure out what to do with it.

I've just noticed there's a guy standing on the roof opposite on a mobile phone, with a clipboard, peering intently at the apex of the roof. I wonder what he's doing there, and why a roof needs such careful notes taken on it.

Today I felt like staying in bed until everything went away, but I realised that wasn't going to happen, so I got out of bed and came here to be a little quiet and plan a few things. I still feel like running away from it all, as it really is difficult when there's so much change and so little to do. Maybe I could continue working in a dead end job until I die, and that way I would achieve catharsis, or perhaps running away again would do me some good. I feel like the change (not just moving house) needs to be there because I've prepared for it, but so I can release myself from the bondage of emotional atrophy. I've built up a barrier to protect myself, and it's just making me unhappier, and it's spiralling down towards something tragic. Hopefully today is the worst day, and the rest will be easier. Perhaps I need a holiday after a holiday, something to clear my head. Let's just wait and see.