Tunnels and Lights

I received a letter from my dad today which had a stamp on it, and the stamp itself has a picture of a sabre tooth cat. The cat is growling in a fierce, yet melancholy way. I don't know why I've stopped to look at it, just that I particularly like the appearance of this stamp. It makes me feel... necessary. Necessary to someone else, that they've gone to the trouble of creating something that enables one person to communicate with another, and that this object should be something of aesthetic worth.

A previously unnamed communications company who have provided me with some hours of grief after they announced after I moved flat that actually they couldn't move either broadband or telephone as there was 'no cabling in my building'. This wouldn't have infuriated me quite so much if it wasn't that I had moved just three blocks down, in a well populated area of Glasgow. I just couldn't get why they wouldn't have bothered giving access to one street and not the other, but that's the way of the world. As it is, they're going to charge me for disconnection - the rest of my contract, because they can't install it. Yet another huge bill to pay.

Well today I'm in Edinburgh for teaching again, and it seems like I'm coming to some conclusions about what I want to do, at least in the immediate future. I'm going to investigate all the opportunities presented to me, and not ignore anything. Let's go wherever I choose to, and do all the concerts I think I should do. I'm going to follow up all those leads I meant to so long ago. Life should be fun...

Wet Sunday afternoons

Well this is your typical wet Sunday afternoon. I'm sitting here in Offshore having a quiet drink and surfing the internet. Perhaps I'm better off alone, or maybe that's a preconception that I've begun to believe as truth. Or maybe I'm just hungry and I should go home for some lunch.

New flat is working out nicely, and with a bit of effort my room might look better. Perhaps I should unpack the rest of the stuff that's in my room and settle in properly. The problem is I have too much stuff, and not enough storage space or furniture. I saw a nice table for only £30 in a shop, and since I have a small wobbly thing at the moment, it might be a worthwhile investment. I do however, have a futon-sofa thing that is very comfortable and a welcome place to relax and watch movies in the room.

I've been planning what to do in the rest of this year and, well, the rest of my life. I don't see why I can't just do what I want - travel, write music and earn money in the times inbetween (and maybe during if I plan right). I'm going home in a few weeks and I'll have time to think about it more then, but I had a very useful time this Friday past, sitting in a coffee shop in Edinburgh with a notebook, writing down exactly what I wanted and then deciding how I could act on iit. Somehow it makes it easier to have it all down on paper. I think one of the main conclusions I came to was that I want to be a musician and a performer, and I want to just take life easy and strive for those things that mean something to me. Maybe that's selfish but I don't see what else could bring me satisfaction.

Perhaps we'll get internet in the flat tomorrow, and then I'll put posts a little more frequently. Start of a new week, and time to sort all those things that have Sat Untouched for so long. Perhaps I'll get a new phone as well.

Magritte

How strange it is to sit in an empty room and imagine what it was like with your belongings in. I am today moving the last few little things to my new flat, and currently only have internet access in my old flat. The internet has been scheduled to be moved at the beginning of next week, so perhaps not many posts in the next few days, although there haven't been many recently anyway.

After returning from Italy last Wednesday evening, everything's been a bit of a blur. Thursday was spent packing and preparing to move, and a little faffing put in along with a late rising (due to so much travelling). Friday I was teaching, and on Saturday I moved the bulk of the rest of my things to the new flat. In the evening I went to a birthday party which turned into a trip on Sunday into the hills and eventually to a youth hostel somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The Scottish Highlands really are amazing, and we were staying not far from a ski resort, and had beautiful views of the snow capped mountains. It reminded me of the Alps the week previous in Italy, and I couldn't help wandering outside while the snow fell in the morning. It took us all day to return on Monday, and I was very tired by the time we arrived. It wasn't until Tuesday that I had time to take stock of all the stuff I had still to move, and yesterday and today have been used to move the last few things. I took a break last night and watched Howl's Moving Castle, which was excellent but lacked perhaps a little something truly magical. Nevertheless it is a film I'd watch again, given the chance.

The other piece of major news which is going to plague me is that I got rejected. Rejected. This puts everything into turmoil. I don't have any plans for September now, and it scares me a little. I have no reason to write music, and subsequently no justification for any work I do in life. Maybe that's going a little over the top, but I do feel that it was totally unfair to outright reject me. Maybe that's totally egotistic of me, but I feel that I really put everything I could into that application and it was all for nothing. I started it nearly five months ago, and I've been living with a little glimmer of hope that they might offer me a chance. I suppose it's just really frustrating, but it makes me not want to _do_ anything. I have to unpack my room and there's no space to put anything, so it's going to have to stay in boxes until I figure out what to do with it.

I've just noticed there's a guy standing on the roof opposite on a mobile phone, with a clipboard, peering intently at the apex of the roof. I wonder what he's doing there, and why a roof needs such careful notes taken on it.

Today I felt like staying in bed until everything went away, but I realised that wasn't going to happen, so I got out of bed and came here to be a little quiet and plan a few things. I still feel like running away from it all, as it really is difficult when there's so much change and so little to do. Maybe I could continue working in a dead end job until I die, and that way I would achieve catharsis, or perhaps running away again would do me some good. I feel like the change (not just moving house) needs to be there because I've prepared for it, but so I can release myself from the bondage of emotional atrophy. I've built up a barrier to protect myself, and it's just making me unhappier, and it's spiralling down towards something tragic. Hopefully today is the worst day, and the rest will be easier. Perhaps I need a holiday after a holiday, something to clear my head. Let's just wait and see.

Always said and never spoken

Today was an interesting day. My first full day since being back in the country, and it hasn't changed. I don't know how I feel about being here yet but it certainly reminds me how difficult things can be.

It's not that I didn't enjoy today - I certainly found that people can surprise you - it's just I found that a reassessment of things you've become used to are necessary. I also remember that one wise person said that if you're not happy with the place you're living in, it's usually yourself that you're unhappy with. I'm not sure how much truth there is in that, as I have certainly been happier in other places more so than here. I just found myself thinking that I'd like to be in a place that isn't here. For example, today as I returned to the train station in Edinburgh to get the train back to Glasgow, I saw the GNER train for London leaving, and felt an overwhelming urge to get on it. Perhaps a psychologist might tell me that this is to do with a desire to hide from my fears, that I need to confront the things which are troubling me rather than running away from them, but I really believe that I just wanted to go home and see my parents for a night or two.

In Italy I saw the wood for the trees (a phrase that doesn't really translate into Italian - 'legno? no, no bosco...') and realised that I just haven't found a happy medium in Glasgow, even a compensation for the things that make me happy. I can't seem to make up for the missing elements, no matter how hard I try. Let's face it: the indigenous food is crap, consistingly mainly of deep fried battered sundry items containing varying amounts of meat. Yes yes, I hear you say 'alternatives are available' but this is not my point. My point is that there aren't enough of the things that I like available (both spiritually and physically) so I have to make do, and it's getting to the time when I need that to change. Perhaps another trip away or some time on my own will settle that.

Anyway I saw a advertisement in the street that told me I had 15 days to live, and I thought about what I would do if that were the case. Perhaps I should get on that train when I want rather than worrying about consequences. I read a quote today that said those people that are late are always happier than the people that are waiting for them. Vero, vero.

Returning

Sent via MMS

Work, play, whatever they say it's always the same for me. My work seems to have become my leisure, if that's the thing that you enjoy. I don't think it really matters if you get paid to do what you do- I certainly would derive no extra pleasure from payment. In fact I think it might take something away from the desire to achieve perfection when there are no other material aims, apart from completion. Now that I'm on my way back it doesn't seem like I'm returning anymore. I don't know how one can forge a connection so quickly with something so alien, but I think it has to do with positive experience. A culture of reward and a basic need to express oneself without fear of undeserved negative criticism. What I'm getting at is the basic bond between individuals- I may be wrong but it seems to me there is no inherent negativity. Perhaps that comes about through the ability to do nothing- that even the simplest of tasks is without repercussion. Rose-tinted glasses. Ciao.

¿C'è nessuno?

Sent by MMS.

Well. What is it about the Italian way of working that is so different to the British? There are so many I don't think you can start to compare them, but there are a few I love and a few that I hate. Nothing, and I mean nothing, starts on time. Not that that's a problem but it takes a wee while to get used to it. I suppose it has something to do with the weather. Permanent warm weather makes one a little lazy, although it's cold at the moment it's usually scorching in the summer.
They also love their philosophy, and this impedes the progress of things a little although it can produce a better product. Caffe and a chat are constant companions to the day- suits me just fine. I really can't imagine having had a better time here so far. I've seen Bologna which was beautiful and slept in an attic apartment with a wonderful view. Ah, but more when I return.

Airports

Sent via MMS

Well I've been sitting here for a while reflecting on things, listening to music and losing previous drafts of this message. I've come to yet another conclusion- I really have it good. I'm waiting for the plane to Italy with the sun over my shoulder and good music playing in my ears. I should really be more grateful that I can do what I can do when I want to- not many people have that privelidge. I need to spend more time with the people I care about and do them justice rather than worrying about enjoying life. I'll be there for them. But now I have to get on this plane. See you soon amici.

The eternal circle of life

I'm not sure what's up with me today. I just feel a _little_ melancholy. It's not even like I feel depressed, just like I don't really feel like socialising. Maybe that's what's wrong with me: perhaps I need a little brotherly love and I don't know it when it jumps up and slaps me in the face. Or perhaps it's that I needed a little prefuse73 and some silence in bed with Eco. It's these times when I realise tea and technology are my best friends, despite what anyone might tell you.

I sat surrounded by people I didn't know, a generation and a lifetime apart talking and making more friends. What's the point making more friends when the ones you have don't take you for granted? I think some of the problem is that I really think I'm the stable one, and that the people around me are changing and developing issues about things that weren't there before, when in fact I'm the one not explaining myself, giving any clues as to what I think or feel. I remain cryptic and elusive, or at least that's how I think people are seeing me. Maybe they see it as a lack of willingness to communicate, whereas I'm just fed up with communicating things that are worthless. Why say something if it has no meaning? Why listen if it's been said before? I'm struck with the consideration of what is a worthwhile conversation to have. Perhaps I should develop and distribute the meta-conversation: the ultimate discussion on the topic of discussion. Meaning versus communication.

Maybe I should just get on with work. Another identical day at the office melds into the week before where I photocopy pointless forms and pretend I'm interested in what I'm doing. What is the sense in my life if I do not achieve the things I set out to do? I suppose the proper question is 'where has the fun gone?', and has a simpler answer than one might imagine - I have no money. No matter what anyone says, money buys freedom in this country. With stability comes enjoyment of the time available, however small.

Having said that I am off to Italia this weekend, and am very excited. Buona notte!

Too busy to blog

I'm sure I have had a few minutes to sit down and blog sometime this week, but there's always been one thing that desperately needs doing, and of course that takes precedence over a web diary. I suppose when I got to Saturday and discovered that at 11 o'clock I didn't really have that much to came as a shock. The last week has been a hazy blur of work, play, playing, concerts and lots of walking about. Not that I don't enjoy it, just that I prefer to do things in smaller chunks, and not have days where I don't eat till 11pm.

On Thursday night after work and a rehearsal of a work of mine, I went to a concert accompanied by some fine fellow Scots. It was taking place in the new City Halls, the refurbished home of the BBC SSO. Unfortunately we arrived quite some time after the concert had started, and we were informed that we wouldn't be able to find out the programme, or even where we were before purchasing a ticket. Also they told us we'd have to pay full price. When we'd bought the tickets and gone to the door, we were told we couldn't enter between pieces because it was being recorded, and that the piece we were interested in hearing was probably before the interval. Also we were told that it was probable that Beethoven was the only piece in the second half. Frustration occurred and a manager was sought, who informed us even he didn't know the running order. After contacting someone closer to the orchestra, we discovered that actually the piece we wanted to hear was after the interval, so we sat down and had a drink in the bar while we waited for the people to come out. It was at this point we started discussing the shoddy paintwork and general build quality of the refurbishment. I pointed out some cabling behind me, a few plugs with bare wires exposed, which I poked at, and then to my dismay the lights went out in the bar. We swiftly moved seats to avoid detection, but to no avail as we were the only people in the bar. Don't worry we managed to look innocent enough and they didn't question us. Suffice to say that the piece we were hoping to listen to, by a rarely heard Italian composer who died recently, was very disappointing. The hype surrounding his work was, I believe, unjustified after having heard that work.

I'm off to Italy in less than a week, and I must say the excitement is increasing. I have enough to do before then though, and prepare sufficiently in time for the flight leaving. I think the impending week is going to be as hectic, if not more than the previous one, so I'm looking foward to more fun and frolics. I'll be web designing this week for a member of the family, and I'm anxious to do a really good job for them and do their work the justice it deserves. Not just that but make sure it gets the press over the internet it really needs. I'm sure attention is the last thing they need, but it might just bolster some confidence.

Off now to more rehearsal. At least the sun is shining today. It's just hit me over the top of the tenements. I'll post when I can, probably in work.

If everybody told the truth

I think we'd be lying to each other.

Today looks like another blue sky and bitter cold day. On Sunday I sat in Kelvingrove park, at the top near Park Circus and enjoyed the glorious sunshine. I thought about what things change a person's view, and what makes them happy. I am happy to say I was contented then, and felt like I didn't need to _be_ anywhere. There are a few clouds moving past today as I write, but the majority of the sky is a brilliant blue.

I have to find a new place to live. Simple as it might seem, but it is in reality quite a daunting task. The major problem is hopefully not in finding somewhere to live but in moving the truckload of stuff I seem to have acquired. Perhaps I should just consider getting rid of a chunk of it. I know there's a box with things in the storage cupboard that is almost totally redundant. Since my life seems to be spent either on my laptop or in a coffee shop, perhaps I should consider ditching some of these things that I might eventually use. It's just that there are a lot of things that I keep for sentimental or aesthetic reasons: I've owned a lot of my parents' artwork over the years and I didn't realise how many items I have here, let alone at home. I suppose the real problem is not this laptop but the other bulky computer that just takes up too much space. It's alway been a pain moving it and perhaps now should be the time that I thought about a solution for either replacing or ditching it.

Life is very simple at the moment, and that certainly suits the occasion. I have:
No music to write
Only one day a week work
No impending performances
and I'm really quite enjoying it. It gives me time to read all those things I've been meaning to read for the past six months. Time to write my blog. Time to talk to those people I've been neglecting for all this time, and start some collaborative projects that I really think are worthwhile. I can also sort out the electronic gig which has seemingly been put on permanent hiatus despite my efforts.

I'm also looking forward to a trip to Italy in a couple of weeks to write music and enjoy life, Italian style. The good thing is that I don't really have to prepare much before I go out there, I simply have to sit down and write music. I considered for a while going to study in Italy - Rome or Florence - since I love the history and the intrigue, the way of life and the weather there. I suppose the thing which stuck in the back of my mind is that you could never really /become/ an Italian, you're always a foreigner who's settled there at one time or another. The pros outweigh the cons though - it'd be great learning the language and finding a place to live in such a historic city. Well, I think we should wait and hear back from the New York institute before thinking about other plans - a week till the end of the month and I'm waiting for that letter.