The solution

I've suddenly realised. It's all very simple actually.

Sometimes it takes you a while to digest what people are telling you, and then as you come to terms with it you realise that they were right all along, but you hadn't realised in what way they were saying something. There was one thing that I realised this with today, and it was only while I was sitting in the bath and I took time to digest what had been talked about over dinner that I realised the implication of my responses to certain questions. I'm sure what I'm about to write down applies to a number of things, but in particular this has certain resonances for myself.

1) Most importantly, simplicity is the key. Perhaps you've been jostling with a few ideas, but there is only one you can truly use.

2) If it's tried and tested, and it's stood the test of time, it means it must have at least some inherent use. Use it.

3) Most peers talk utter bollocks. Everything they say, without exception, must be taken with a pinch of salt. Never rest what you do or are planning to do on a single utterance.

That's all for now. I'll let you know how I get on implementing them.

Vampires

Not that I believe in them, just that's what's on the TV now. It's a pretty dreadful BBC adaptation of the story, compared with Interview with a Vampire.

Good news. I have begun writing again big style. Started a solo piano piece and a piece for trio. Tenor sax, bass guitar and piano. It was for percussion instead of piano but I was having serious trouble visualising the percussion part, so I just kinda gave up and changed it to piano. If I manage to get it finished there's a chance that it'll be played in New York in February. I also have an open invitation to go and play with ThingNY anytime they've got an opening, which I think I'll be taking up. The flights to New York are very cheap just at the moment and it's a perfect opportunity.

I'm just so contented and warm here at the moment it's hard to come to terms with the fact that I'll have to give it up and return to Glasgow in a couple of weeks or less. I'm starting to seriously consider the fact that my environment in Glasgow is what's making me unhappy there. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I think it has something directly to do with my flat. Perhaps it's my room or perhaps it's the whole flat there. Maybe it's just a coincidence that the only time I've written music over the last six months has been while I've been in Sussex. I feel comfortable with my method here, as I have easy access to a piano and it's always pretty warm. I know those are basic things but I don't always get that in Glasgow. I seem to make constant excuses to be outside of my flat, and whilst I don't necessarily think that's a negative thing because I get to see people more often, I feel that I am purposefully doing it.

I'm not really sure there's a solution to this, because moving out of my flat is more hassle than it's worth, given that it won't necessarily solve my problem. I do enjoy the company of my flatmates, and I have everything there organised in a method I am comfortable with. It's just not the same as my previous flat. I had a situation there that I was comfortable with and could have continued with indefinitely - my flatmates didn't really bother me, and I had fun with them whenever it was required. I don't think they really understood me or could have got close to me, and I kind of preferred it that way. It became easy for me to have my own space when I needed it. I also enjoyed being in the West End, as I knew the neighbourhood, there were shops there I like and knew, and also good coffee shops.

Anyway I'm off to London for the day tomorrow to see another friend I haven't seen in far too long. When it gets to the point that you measure when you last saw friends in years, you know you haven't been making enough effort. I saw an old school friend today who has become, or is in the process of becoming a lawyer. It was really strange, I hadn't seen him in about three years and he didn't seem to have changed a bit, although I'm sure if I spent some time with him things might become apparent. I suppose people retain the same kind of attitude and humour throughout their whole life, and in essence they never really become a different person. I think after the age of about 18 you remain essentially the same character, however much you try to escape that.

Getting light

It's not quite getting light, especially as it's the middle of the night, but it may be by the time I finish this post. I feel the need to justify everything at the moment. Perhaps that's a natural inclination, due to the fact that I feel I need to give some sort of purpose or justification to everything I do in life. It's only when I'm truly distracted that I forget about these things. The problem there lies in the fact that I know I have problems, but that I also know they are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. My problems are relative to my own existence, and become meaningless when the smallest of things change. For instance, applying them to another would never work. Even if I step outside of my personal existence for a moment, or something happens to me they disappear immediately, yet somehow they remain persistent and loom dreadfully, affecting my ability to carry on with life and create some sense of achievement.

Perhaps it's just about getting round to doing something. I have naturally cut many of the elements of contemporary living out of my life so I have more time to do things when I'm busy, but then when I'm not busy, life weighs down on me heavily and I'm not able to carry out the things I have been wishing to do during my daydreaming at work. What really have I cut out? Television disappeared easily and with very little pain, playing computer games naturally became less interesting, and I seem to be going to the cinema far less than I used to. To what end? I manage to fill the time with things I apparently consider more worthwhile - reading and making good food and drinking coffee. Where does that desire to do my own work go? It exists so vividly whilst staring at the work computer screen, but immediately disappears in my cold Glasgow flat when the sun drifts out of the sky.

I am currently in Merston again, and things perpetually distract me here from writing music, such as engagements with my parents, applications for PhDs and suchlike. It makes me wonder why I struggle so to make time to write music and then fritter it away lardying round doing jack all. Perhaps I'm being pessimistic. The occasion of my laptop being stolen has made me realise that I need to restructure my approach to composition, and not just rely on age old techniques that were mislearnt in the first place. I need to start trusting my intuition when I write on paper and start being proud of the music I write in order to get it performed.

Nothing's stopping me from *not* doing music at the moment. I have a keen interest in visual art, which only seems to be strengthening as time goes on. I guess that could be the hobby which I've been waiting for, or maybe it could be another of my passing interests. I'll just have to wait and see what comes out of it. If all else fails I'm going to concentrate on doing whatever gives me excitement and joy at the particular time. It's not like my life is complicated, but I just seem to find difficulty inspiring myself to do things which have no set structure to work to. I'm partly obsessive about organising time and organising my organisation and being places on time, but I never plan my work, or the time I'm going to spend composing down to the last minute. For instance I know tomorrow that I'm going to get up, make coffee for some guests who are arriving, fill in some parts of the PhD application forms, and hopefully go into town to buy some nice paper to print my scores on for the submission. I haven't set aside any time for composition, so it's just going to happen whenever I feel like taking a break from staring at paper to go and sit in front of the piano with score paper.

I will need to structure this holiday if I'm going to do all the work which I need to. Let's start by saying I'll do one PhD application per day, not counting doing the binding of the scores and copying of CDs and DVDs, which can be done together. Then I'll be sorted and I can write down all those ideas that have been festering in my mind about the trio.

I spent the weekend in London enjoying myself, and it was a necessary liberation from everything that had come before. I was knackered but I needed to step out and forget about the rigmarole of Glasgow life. Although I promised myself I'd leave Glasgow as soon as I could after finishing college, I'm now well into my second year there and opportunities are presenting themselves to me after so much hard work. London was a major change of scenery, and intruiged me as to what sort of life I could build for myself there. I guess what interested me is the infinite possibilites there, especially when studying for an arts PhD. I'd feel at home there, even though it's not my home town - there is something I feel about being alienated in Glasgow, like I don't belong or that there's no true reflection of my personality in anything I try and stamp myself . It's something to do with not being able to force myself to be myself. I lapse too easily into acting and fail to enjoy whatever it is I'm doing when it happens. I've got to work on selling myself: it's the hardest sale of all.

Christmas cheer

Winter. I have not written here for four months and life is mightily different from when I last checked. Christmas is almost upon me and there have been some massive changes. I don't know where to begin to try to illustrate what has happened.

I'm living back in Glasgow, and at the moment sitting listening to the rain beat against the windows, and working on a Statement in Support of Application for a PhD at Goldsmiths. Second year running that I've been working on PhD applications, and it seems like I never really finished doing it last time. It seems like a never-ending struggle to keep people interested in anything I'm doing.

Talking about other things, I haven't written a note for ages. Well, that's not strictly true. I had been working on the score for Before/After but my laptop was stolen so I lost all I've done on it. I'm also working on a score for ThingNY but that's going equally as slowly, I think mainly due to my being frightened of actually setting pen to paper.

Asleep

All's quiet in Merston. There are no lights on in any of the houses, and when I switch the light off it's pitch black- literally you can't see where you're going. Usually you'd have a little light from the moon but it's cloudy and I don't think it's even out tonight. There's the occasional sound of a car passing, but other than that it's just the countryside rustling in the breeze. Peaceful.

So quiet because my parents have gone to the Midlands and left me home alone. I'm coping okay so far- I haven't broken anything and have managed to find things to eat. Tomorrow may prove a little more taxing when I decide to venture forth in the real world to buy food and get my hair cut, but I'm already mentally preparing myself. Should be fine.

Tonight I was a little bored so I watched yet another episode of Frasier and a film called The Cooler on the now free Film4. Both entertaining, and although Frasier seems a little dated it's still good. Let's just hope I don't get addicted to Lost and completely devote my life to series.

Love and knowledge

A woman just passed me whilst I have been here sitting in Chichester. Her daughter asked her if 'girls can marry girls' and the mother answered resolutely 'no'. However technically true this is (they're civil partnerships rather than actual marriage), I think the mother is failing to enlighten her daughter as to the true nature of current society- what's acceptable and what's changing. I'm sure her daughter will discover at some point the truth of the matter, but I couldn't help but stifle an objection.

I'm sitting near a car park in the centre of town enjoying the sunshine and peaceful nature of the city. It's pleasant being here, but you can't help feeling that people are quite contented with the way things are. There's everything here that someone could need, and no reason to complain as it's all of a high quality. Yet, somehow it seems a bit dead, as if there's actually no vital scene here. People undoubtedly come here to run their lives, and eventually die- in pleasant surroundings.

Anyway I've returned to meet my parents in the gallery down the road for a cup of tea. So back to life.

Panic

I've had a great weekend so far. Good food on Friday night and some great company.

However on Friday I drank a few coffees, not more than usual, but possibly shouldn't have had so many strong ones. Slept for a few hours that night and then went for coffee again at Beanscene in the morning. I didn't really feel odd until I got back home about midday and started to feel a bit twitchy. I then proceeded to have a massive panic attack for most of the afternoon, and only really recovered about 5 o'clock. My heart was beating really fast and I felt like I was going to die. I know what it was, but I don't remember a) the last time I had one or b) ever having had one that bad. I'm just really glad it's over and I never want to go through that again, so:

I have resolved not to drink anything with caffeine in until I feel like I can return, and then I'll take it in moderation. I know, I know - I hear you say what are you going to do without caffeine, but I'll just have to survive on coffee shop alternatives.

That over, and feeling distinctly more earth-bound today, I am off to play badminton and shake off the cobwebs before I go home on Tuesday for the rest of the Summer. I'm looking forward to it, as there seem to be some opportunities for work etc. I'm just looking forward to having a relax and good food.

Friday

This day seemed all wrong. I realised I was in the bathroom wearing someone else's socks. Somehow, though, through all the confusion, it's been perfect. Although I believe it's happened at the wrong time, but maybe you can't pick and choose when epiphanies happen- maybe they just occur. Purpose and destiny rarely coincide.

Worst birthday ever?

I think so.

Night time

I realised something lying here while I was trying in vain to get to sleep. The sound of the trees is intensely comforting. I think it's just the rustling of the leaves outside in the occasional gust of wind. And to be very unpoetic, the cars going past at the end of the road remind me there are plenty of other people in the world going about their business. It's just nice to know they're there.

Went to see a concert tonight of some contemporary music at the concert hall. While the concert itself wasn't greatly inspiring, the discussion afterwards was heated and interesting. Again the topic of innovation and conversely, refinement were talked about. Not that the two are mutually exclusive, just that it's difficult to find the two present in a single work. I guess that tonight they were upset that there was perhaps not enough of either- not enough daring to be different.

A week now and I'll be at home, enjoying the sunshine (fingers crossed) and planning my future. I think that the travelling idea is back on the cards, with very few ideal or feasible jobs knocking at my door. I'll keep looking but I think I'd like to keep the options open with regards to career plans, especially if I plan to do a PhD. I don't want to be working my way up in a job that I plan to leave. But there's nothing wrong with a little professional experience. Right must sleep.

Days after

Gig went extremely well. For such a technical gig, we ran into no problems whatsoever (hopefully the recording went without a glitch too!). Although it wasn't packed to the roof there were a good few people there to hear it, and I really enjoyed performing after I got past the initial worry and forgot about the audience. It was like I was playing at home, but when I looked up at the end there was an audience applauding me! For creating that racket...

Most of all I think all the performers enjoyed it so I think we'll definitely have a reunion at Street Level if they permit it. However my next projects are:

Start the soundtrack for Before/After - secure an agreement with Manchester University to do the recording.

Organise a performance/workshop session for Selva for the Autumn.

Write an album. Yes, this is my latest endeavour - I've found what I really need to do. It's the perfect embodiment of work, a neat package that encapsulates a project. I'm yet to work out what I'll put on it, but I think it's bound to be governed by a concept (not in the prog-rock sense).

Other than that I have another week here before my 'holiday' in Sussex comes around, with nothing to do and very little money. I'll just have to concentrate on things that are free, like keeping fit.

Purposefulness

Seemingly ridiculous word on paper, but yes it does exist. Anyway, Leasha's gone stateside for a while, Helena's in similar territory and Glasgow seems to have diminished to a select band of electro die-hards, gagging for experimental music (that's you if you're here on Wednesday night).

The days have changed to warm and humid weather, with cloud cover in the morning and early afternoon and clearing for pleasant evenings. I'm starting to lose faith that I'll ever find a job that has anything to do with anything I've done so far in my life. The 'graduate schemes' are starting to look more appealing, as everything else seems to require four years experience or a degree in a relevant field, invariably not music. I guess I'm starting to give up and hope that something may just walk my way at a convenient time, and the general admin posts are looking more suited to me again. How can that be? I've done the damn things for so many years, and hate them. There's something about that anonymous environment and the inconsequential work that you do that is comforting. Knowing your work could probably be done quicker and more efficiently by a machine, but that they choose a real person to humiliate instead fills me with an unknown and strange joy. That it's simply that easy to describe your job ('filing', 'labelling') is odd. I've been some places where I have almost asked them "Why have you hired me?" especially when the person in the booth next to me does little more than check the football scores and then phone his mates to discuss it, and all the planning he does is to organise fantasy football tournaments and the weekly trip to the pub.

How can I persuade people that I would work hard for a job more meaningful than that? I don't think you can. Best just plug on and make the most of life, although there's always those little niggles.

Tomorrow Tullis arrives for the gig, Bill arrives the day after and then we soundcheck, dine and perform. Almost too easy. I'll let you know how I feel about it afterwards, because at the moment I'm excited but yesterday I was feeling seriously apprehensive. I got my bass back from the repairers on Saturday (not without a terrible hangover from Friday) and it sounds great through the patch. I'm sure there'll be a sound-clip from the gig online before long, if I feel pleased with the performance.

I'm thinking about my next musical project, and what I was thinking of in April (it's been gestating) is producing an album. I see the future of music in recording rather than performance. The ipod generation is not going anywhere at the moment, and when music is available to everyone everywhere at the touch of a button, wirelessly, there won't be a need to go to a concert. We can all blog our latest performances and you can be at a festival for your favourite performance over your video phone or even on your 3g ipod. What's the point of turning up to a gig when everything is permanent and you can view it at any time after the event has taken place. The BBC already offers the facility of listening to most broadcasts again on the net, or as a podcast, whenever you feel like it. The next thing is getting that to your handheld device without the computer. Phones and mp3 players are already becoming more similar in terms of functionality, and it's only a matter of time before we can share everything quickly and easily.

I'll write this up eventually, but there's also my argument of how classical music does NOT fit into this. It's stuck in the dark ages. The contemporary music magazine spnm doesn't even offer sound clips of its shortlisted composers on the website, just some concert listings. It hardly even has photos. So much for hearing music. The refusal to move with any of the contemporary developments has killed contemporary classical music. Noone has heard of it, and certainly their are no peers outside of its own production - that is composers and their friends.

You've got to ask why this is, and I think it stems from the fact that classical music sounds terrible on cd. It just doesn't stand up to recording. People are so concerned with trying to capture the feel of a genuine classical music performance that they forget people don't have to facility to play back the music at that quality. It should sound good on any player, and it patently doesn't. Where do we stand? A refusal to adhere, and in the stagnant, not the revolutionary sense. The experimental factions in music are already way past anything that's happening at the moment in contemporary classical music, and I don't think we really deserve a look-in.

Solutions? Comments? Ideas?

Will the world last?

This is a very long train journey, and I haven't blogged since before I left for Chichester. Although I've been away from Scotland for less than a week, this last weekend has seemed like forever. Not in a bad way, just that it's been very memorable. I never thought that my parents' party would be such an event, but I had a really good time and met some people, who often remarked 'Gosh! I remember you when you were this high', indicating a height that I swear I never was, and of whom I have scant memory. Usually it's best to smile and nod and then return to serving drinks, but they all seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing and how much I'd done since they last saw me. It was a swelteringly hot day, and everyone was outside in the garden drinking sparkling wine and chatting. Everyone that my mum invited turned up, much to her surprise. She'd ordered a lorry-load of canapés for the guests, and my sister-in-law and I spent some of the morning cooking them, after my mum didn't realise they needed cooking and announced she was going off to change. I really didn't get much writing of music for this gig next week done, despite having spent so much time with Logic open on the Mac. It just doesn't seem to have happened. I struggled in the heat to battle with the stupid quirks of the program, and failed to make or produce any sounds that inspired me. I'll just have to hope for the best when I get back to Glasgow and battle against the odds.

I played loads of piano, especially for the party, and got some really encouraging comments, so I'm not giving up just yet. Although my bass is broken and I'm going to have to get it fixed before next week- not sure of the feasibility of that.

Had some interesting ideas about possible careers, some involving music and others not. I'm just not sure that there's a way for a classically trained pianist/composer to make any money in this day and age. Perhaps 60 years ago or more, but now it seems increasingly impossible to use the skillset I'm endowed with, unless it's in a University- and I then refer you to the section on always having to have a PhD before being able to teach in Higher Education. Oh well. Other avenues await me.

There's a glorious blue sky outside as I'm travelling up England, and the weather forecast for tomorrow is better than today. Highest temperatures for a while apparently, especially on the South Coast. I'm planning on iced lattes in the afternoon and composing early evening. Hopefully not much will distract me apart from possibly badminton and coffee. Much work to do.

A time to blog

I got my new phone a few days ago and I think it's about time to grace the email facility. Aside from the wonderful camera, and web browser and bluetooth and whole host of other things, it speeds up the process of writing, sending and receiving emails, although I'm thinking my monthly bill will be slightly larger as a result, even though I've got a really good contract with loads of free texts and minutes.
So. I'm in Sussex, as I got the phone delivered here rather than Glasgow. This evening we put up a Gazebo in the garden for the party on Sunday, and through dinner (take-away again) we got quite a few calls from people asking where our house was, and how long they could stay. It's only supposed to be a few hours, but loads have decided it'll be a good time to catch up. I somehow think we're going to be having a very large breakfast on Sunday. I'm also not feasibly going to get much time to compose over this weekend, so I think I'll be writing tomorrow when the hoards haven't arrived yet, and as soon as they depart on Monday. Perhaps I have done too much thinking about what I'm going to improvise at this gig. Maybe I should make an effort for it to be as spontaneous as possible, and concentrate less on the elements that are pre-defined.
Anyway, I get to see my niece again when she appears, which is always a pleasure. My dad and I are heading over to my brother's rented property to house sit for what sounds like a parcel. They're only renting this house while they look for another, but I think they've become rather settled there with the view over the downs and the bizarre layout of the house (I'll try to get some pictures).
It must be bedtime now so I think I'll see how Adso is doing (Name of the Rose).

Away

I'm off home tomorrow. Good tidings, as the weather there is currently six degrees hotter than here.

Party on Saturday - there'll be canapés, champagne, probably much fun, and best of all, me playing the piano.

Now I'm off to play pool for an hour, and have just recently returned from playing badminton - second set in less than a week. I just hope I can keep this up, and maybe I'll become fitter.

All quiet

I just went out for a walk, wondered where the world had got to, and just remembered the world cup final's on. I could hear the occasional roar/scream from the pubs a couple of blocks away.

Grigio

Today is a really grey day. Yesterday I received through the post a letter from the Koninklijk Conservatorium confirming their offer for me to study there, starting in September. After much discussion with different people, and especially after receiving this letter, I decided it wasn't such a bad idea after all, and especially since it would be almost free to study there I'd just have to make my way with my living expenses. There was the obvious problem of finding somewhere to live and getting a job that simply required me to speak English, but these seemed surmountable. The situation seemed to cry out 'Why not?' to me, so after a discussion with my mother, she backed me and said she'd support me all the way. After that, she handed the phone over to my father. I explained all the discussions I'd had and mentioned what mum had said, but he basically shot me down in my stride, bringing up all the discussions I'd had with him previously:

It's the PhD I want, not another qualification that doesn't mean anything.
I have all my contacts in the UK, which I'd forfeit on leaving.
I need financial support for doing it, and I simply don't have enough cash.

The last one, I think, was the clincher. I'd much prefer to struggle here for a year and have more money and /then/ go and do a PhD rather than find that the Hague wasn't the place for me and come back to be at square one.

All this indecisiveness really sucks. I think the important thing is that I've found something I like doing - teaching in a University. That's my long term goal, and I can put it off till I get my PhD, because I have to. In the meanwhile I have this year planned. Theatre, music, performance and travelling, with some application forms filled in along the way. It feels quite nice to have some things planned out like this, and if I can get out of Glasgow (I just need that excuse to go to the South of France) I think this summer'll make everything up to me. The sun seems to have arrived today, so I think I'll finish this part of the script and adjourn to the park.

Raining again

It's been raining on and off today. This morning it was thundering and there was some lightning.

Yesterday was Leasha's birthday. I felt a little melancholoy, but went along for dinner. It was a strange experience and I kind of didn't feel like I was really there. Helena kept asking if I was alright, and I had to assure her I was. It's not like there was anything wrong with me, it's just a tempered sense of living. I wasn't upset or bored, just... alive. The food was terrible at 13th Note, at least my Thai beancakes were awful. That, I think, put me off going on to Hed Kandi for dancing and frivolities, and I returned home to stay up and faff about before sleeping for the longest I have for ages.

Everyone seems to be leaving Glasgow just at the moment to go on holiday. Ahmed's gone to work in Toulouse, Kirsty's off to France on Wednesday, Helena's going in ten days or so to the States, and Leasha's leaving for the same shore before long. Vera's in Hungary and it seems like only the hardcore are staying on to battle with the Glaswegian 'summer'. Last night I got a random text from my cousin asking me if I would like to house a van for her. I haven't had contact with her for about two years, and it was totally out of the blue. She's in Southern France somewhere, and wants me to pick it up and put it somewhere. For a moment when I got the text I thought it was with her, but she assures me it's in Sussex, where I'm off to in a couple of weeks. I don't really have anything planned for this week if my agency don't get me any work, and I really felt like the excuse to make a long road trip down to better climes and have an adventure. It also requires an MOT and some road tax, which put a damper on things, but I'm not totally ruling out the possibility of it holding some serious fun.

Gig coming up at the end of next month, and the closer it gets the less interested I seem to be in it. I really need to write some music for it but I keep getting so frustrated with Max. I'm setting aside the week at home to get properly underway with it and record some sounds. I've got to play for my mum's summer party, so I went the other day to Otago lane and bought some Mozart from the second hand music store. I'll put that in with some Bach and whatever else I can muster.

At Moda

Found the original:
Just a little text to say we're enjoying a few drinks in Moda this evening, after a hectic week at the Vet school earning a few pennies.

At Moda
Originally uploaded by Cynicism.

Necro-gusto

Thought I'd try out the new feature and post a picture to blog from my phone. This is from last Sunday, when it was extremely hot and I think I got heat stroke, although I was ok later. I've managed to lose this message once already, so I think I'll keep this one short. It's a strange thing sunbathing in a graveyard- the two things really don't go together. Anyway I'm home now...

Necro-gusto
Originally uploaded by Cynicism.

Another day in Glasgow town

Well it's not just another day really. I had an amazing time last night, where we were just supposed to go out for a few short drinks and after a few cheap ones in Bunker, we made our way after very little (shame on me) persuasion out to Bamboo and stayed till after close and then to my chagrin bought chips and made our way back to the flat. Actually, I love chips in the middle of the night after you've been dancing for so long. It's the perfect energy food, as long as you don't sleep on it straightaway. We then had tea and sat up talking about nothing and more. It's great when you just don't care that you might have to get up at some point. We stayed up very very late and I got up early and went back to my flat to change for work. I almost fell asleep when I got back, and if I hadn't kept my eyes open when I got out the shower I think I'd have missed work. Oh well. As it was I made it in on time and made the most of the day. Great weather for lunch, and I sat outside with noone else about enjoying my sandwich. I sent a picture to Vera of the sheep she bought me again, this time in a different pose, and with some trees for a backdrop.

Last night before I left, I ordered my new phone. It has bluetooth and a really great camera so I'll be posting proper pictures to flickr before long. As it is, I've put a prelim set on for your enjoyment at http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynicismisforlosers/. It includes photos of family and other etc.

I just tried posting from the Google dashboard widget for Blogger and it's refusing to post. I also can't get flickr to interface with Blogger, so you'll have to wait a little longer for photo posts here. At least they'll be topical and interesting when they come.

Dull dull dull

Work work work. It seems like 5-6 is time for blogging at work since there's no calls and I don't have much better to be doing, apart from answering the occasional calls and filing a few things that come my way. Talking of this I've been put on 10-6 shifts all next week. Thank god I still have my sanity (crazy laughing).

This weekend is going to be fun, I promise. Tonight I'm going to a (some) party somewhere in town that sounds like it's going to be a laugh, at least I'll work off some of the steam from this week. Tomorrow however is the cream of the weekend - we're camping out at Sarti's for a meal in the evening, and I'm planning several courses and bottles of wine. It should be a good laugh, and it'll probably be one of the last times before the summer when most people can make it. People seem to treat food in the UK like it's an inconvenience, and when they go to restaurants it's more like it's an opportunity to show how good your taste is or talk about how much better this other restaurant is. I think it should be a social event, one where you can enjoy whatever you're eating and relax with some friends. I'm going to promote this as much as possible, at least until I realise people aren't with me and I'll have to move abroad.

I think I'm going to move home in August and enjoy the sunshine on the beach, and work a little while filling in the rest of the job applications. It seems like they've been left on the sidelines for the moment, while I desperately try to make some time for writing music. Saying that I'm off home for my mother's (sort of) leaving do on the 15th July, where she's asked me to play some easy classics for people to lounge to, and I've booked a few days either side so I can sit down and work solidly with the minimum of distractions, aside from my father asking me to hold a ladder or help him move a plant pot.

My mother retires at the beginning of July. I know it's a big step for her to move outside of the work environment. She's a veritable workaholic, and has been for many years, so changing to a totally different lifestyle is going to be a bit of a shock. She's decided to take on plenty of part-time/freelance work in education, working with teachers and providing arts-based services, workshops and seminars for schools. I think it's a really good idea as she can take as long as she wants with it, it doesn't matter where she is, and it'll give her immense satisfaction when things come together. Also, she's asked me to be a part of it so I can help her manage the more technical parts of it, including the website and the database of clients.

I think we now have a land line in the flat so I'll finally be able to call my parents for free, and make international calls for cheap cheap prices. I can't wait. I think this weekend will be spent partying, writing music and on the phone.

Last night I went to a concert at the RSAMD, where Psappha were playing a few contemporary works and some new pieces by RSAMD composers. My old teacher from Manchester was playing piano and I haven't seen him in over a year. It was good to see him but I kinda realised I left some good things behind in Manchester. He was a great teacher, and I haven't really had a teacher since and subsequently my playing just hasn't progressed at all. The concert was really top notch, the playing was superb and the pieces were very satisfying, but I came to realise that I didn't think I could write that music anymore. Although I connect with it, I would rather be writing something with more immediate aural impact. It's hard to describe, and I won't be really sure what I mean until I do it. Let's wait till the next concert and see if I can get out of some old habits.

Quick note

Internet access has been rescinded at work so I think I'll be either doing it on the sly or in mornings and evenings, if I get a minute. The ********* have also got me working 10-6 so I'm not sure I'll see the light of day in a while (given the weather over the last few days, even less likely).

But... the weekend's coming and I can't wait because according to my weather widget, it's supposed to be better weather. I may actually be doing some interesting things soon.

This morning I threw away one of my favourite shirts. I've had it for a very long time, but it seems I've stained it sufficiently, and it landed in the bin. I'll just have to make the trip and buy a new one to replace it, and maybe another if I'm feeling flush.

Yesterday I discovered Quicksilver for the Mac. I'm yet to be wowed by its incredible ease of use and mindblowing facilities, but I'll let you know when I've got it doing something interesting.

New Job and the Abyss

I've been in this post since Friday morning, and although it's a steep learning curve, I'm seriously bored. I don't mean to slate the job, but when the phone's not ringing I just don't have anything to do. Mind you it pays the proverbial bills, so I'm not complaining.

What dreadful weather! However there are several things to be happy about - the sun _will_ shine again soon, I can go home whenever I want, and the gig's going ahead on the 26th July. I'm so happy, and all I have to do is prepare a 20min improvisation, something that requires a great deal of work. Max is starting to behave (the computer program, not my dog) and it looks like I might have a real live working patch in time, with some of the features I've been trying to implement for a while. The problem is that I have to have some musical elements to fit with all these tools, so I think I'll be working on that when I go home at the beginning of July.

As for other things, Helena is back to smooth the waters and play Nintendo DS with Leasha. For all the cheapness of their appearance, and the ghastly pink cover they're quite impressive - they have wireless links, voice recognition and touch screens. Not that I think I'll be investing in one any time soon.

Looks like I'll definitely be staying in the UK after all. I'm going to apply to Goldsmiths and the Royal Academy, much to the chagrin of those supporting the Scottish music scene. I'm going to try again for New York, but it really feels like trying for a baby, what with all the paper work and stress and tests and what have you. I thought about it a bit, and I think it's best for me studying in a University, that way you have the benefit of cross-subject research, in whatever discipline you choose. That'd be especially useful if I wanted to branch more into theatre, or computer studies etc. Also Universities are great communities and the musicians tend to be a lot more 'grounded' to speak.

Anyway I'm at work and supposed to be answering the phone instead of blogging. More later.

The Illness

I'm ill. I have a 'summer' cold. Worst thing is, it's amazing weather and I don't feel like going outside, I feel so dreadful. Feel better than yesterday, and last night I went to bed at about 10 and woke at 9, in order to give me time to recover. Hopefully I'll feel better before tomorrow, when I'm supposed to be starting a job over in Anniesland.

Life is... complicated, as someone explained to me the day before. I think I'm going to stay in the UK over the next year, rather than go to Holland. It's just that I don't see much point in spending 3 years (a very long time) studying over there to get basically the same qualification as I've already got. I'd rather spend a year working and travelling and doing exciting projects rather than feel my studies weren't worthwhile. I can apply for 2007 PhDs from this September, and I'll have a better chance of securing funding etc., than if I rush over to Holland now.

Anyway I'm going to find some lunch and perhaps eat some fresh fruit, and contemplate where I could travel to next year. Definitely outside Europe, as I haven't been that far yet!

Longest train journey ever

I just wrote a really long email on this train, but managed to press the 'hang up' button by mistake instead of delete near the end, and wiped the whole lot. That makes me want to get a new phone that has decent email capability rather than this rather shoddy example, which has let me down on more than one occasion. Never mind. I was just saying that it's going to take only a little longer to finish this journey, which started at 10.30 this morning. I'm taking the train on Helena's recommendation, and so far it seems a wholly agreeable alternative, in terms of cost and ease.

Tomorrow sees the decision as to whether I get to run this Electro gig I've been planning since last... I don't remember. I'll keep you updated, but I'm sure I'll be publicising it heavily if it goes ahead anyway.

So I've been trying to decide exactly what I'm doing over the coming year. Here's the outline... Summer: try to work and save money, while enjoying the sun and trying to do some music and writing. Autumn: if I have a job in a University teaching, all the better, but if I don't, go home to Sussex and get a more lucrative job or one in Scotland that suits. Winter: survive the cold and earn money without losing my sanity. Spring: continue earning money and plan trip away if I don't have Uni job. I don't think I want to think further ahead as it makes me feel a little nauseous, but I'm going to apply for PhD starting 2007. That gives me a little time to start research into the areas I'd like to investigate with my PhD, and all the more reason for someone to give me an opportunity to do supported research. Technology in performance and interdisciplinary collaboration are the areas I'm heading towards, two areas that can overlap to some degree. Anyway this is slow without a keyboard so I'll get back to The Prince.

Star

I just saw a shooting star. Really beautiful, only lasted for a split second. Night.

Too hot with a cherry on top

It's been a while since I sat on this doorstep at night, and just listened to the sounds of the countryside and watched the stars move, and the moon change position. I kind of forgot how peaceful it can be out here. I was too hot a little earlier when I went to visit my brother, and realised I'd been wearing my jumper in this amazing heat! This evening was good- my brother and I got to talk properly for the first time in ages. It's good to sit down and chat things over, especially with someone as clear headed as my brother. He always seems to know just how to put something right in order to make it sound like it's the perfect thing to do. He has the best ideas!

Tomorrow is my last day here, and I'm dreading leaving. It's been really idyllic, the weather's been perfect, I've got literally _so_ much work done, and although I've been occasionally irritated by the parents, they haven't been too much of a bane. Perhaps I'll come back before long if I don't get any interviews or more permanent work in Glasgow. I think it's good to be here as long as I know I've got something to go back to, and at the moment I've got the flat and the prospect of some work if I look hard.

Here's the crack. I've made a preliminary decision- not a firm one but I think I might stick with it: to not go to the Hague. Bear with me- stay in Glasgow if I'm offered a job, or wherever else if there's a job in the UK. Then, apply for PhDs in all and every institution within reason, for 2007 (gulp), and then if I'm successful, save up and go travelling for March next year. Please, comments and suggestions here or via my usual email address.

There's someone at the door

Just received my train tickets for my return journey to Glasgow. I'm going to be spending the whole day on the train, which is more than welcome so I can spend time reading, composing, planning and having a great time generally. Helena has commended me because I'll be saving the environment, well not exactly saving it, but damaging it less than if I took the plane. The next day I'll be meeting someone to discuss a date and the ins and outs of the improvised electronic music gig that I've been trying to get off the ground for approximately a year. So much for promptness. I've been working at learning C++ and OpenGL this week, with half a mind to implementing them in the near future. The problem is that there are two types of interactive interfaces available - the Lemur, which is on the Cycling74 website for an obscene price, and the very much prototype interface which I'd probably have to a) build myself and b) would probably end up costing even more. Not that that would be a problem, since I'd probably have to secure funding to research this topic anyway.

So a little low-down on last week. I met Zanni at the airport. Well, I arrived and sat down somewhere I thought she might be arriving, only to discover there were no flights from Venice coming in that day. Then it slowly dawned on me that somewhere in some communication she's mentioned she would fly into Stansted, but that she's talked about Heathrow in the rest of the emails. So I decide to try to ring. Answermachine. I sit there thinking that all I can do is wait to phone her, so I send a text message to see when she turns her phone on (delivery report). Meanwhile I twiddle my thumbs in the enourmous Heathrow terminal 2. She rang from a payphone a little later and explained her phone had been stolen in Syria, that yes, she did get into Stansted, but that she would be on a bus on her way over shortly. Sigh of relief. We arranged to meet at the tube stop in Heathrow - they have buses, coaches, tubes, trains and taxis at Heathrow. Every possible way you could think of to get out of the place. By far the cheapest and easiest way to get into the quagmire that is London is to take the tube, straight along and into Covent Garden we sailed, and camped outside at a pretty dismal Pastie shop and admired the flocks of pigeons who've obviously discovered the delights of Cornish crumbs. After an expensive lunch I suggested we attempt our journey to Chichester, and we easily got to Victoria and purchased exorbitant train tickets. The journey was smooth, apart from we arrived in Bognor and were told to change, but it's not that far on the bus so we stepped outside into the rain and grey skies and camped at the bus stop, only to find after the bus arrived on time that we were outside the range for the cheaper fare, so it cost us £6 for a five minute bus journey. I think I spent more that day on travel than I've ever done and my wallet certainly felt lighter.

Merston is a dream to walk into, although when there was nothing in the fridge I was only too happy to make a trip to the indian takeaway. The weather brightened a little over the next few days, and we talked about Selva, life, Arabic, Italian vs. English, Crisma, coffee, politics and so many other things I forget. We visited my brother, sister-in-law and niece on Sunday and had a really good time. BBQs ahoy - my brother did a fine job with kebabs, burgers, sausages and all manner of pickles and breads. I feel like having that kind of feast every day. Talking of feasting I'm trying to eat as much as I possibly can while I'm here so that I don't have to worry about starving too much when I get back to Glasgow. I think it'd be good to put on some weight for a change, maybe work it off when I get back, have a fitness regime, a job and some other interests.

For now I'll continue writing the Tango and struggling with Max. Might post a score when I'm done.

Funding and the next few days

To say I'm bored would, I think, be a vast understatement. I seem to have spent approximately the last 6 hours staring at website after website dedicated to funding 'talented and creative individuals', but each of which seem to have a clause stating somewhere that 'Josh may not apply' or, more aptly, 'must be aged over 25 and resident in Wales' or 'must be undertaking study related to biochemistry' or 'closing date for applications was yesterday' or something similar. I'm beginning to think that there might not be any body which can offer funding to a UK resident wanting to do study in the Hague. This brings back memories of the scene in the Producers, and the scene in which they take bundles of cheques from the old ladies, lining up to hand them over. I only wish it was as easy as seducing a couple of old dears.

Well, I suppose I should continue the story as I've given away some of it. Saturday was spent exploring the new delights of Manchester's city centre, with part rain and part shine. Will and I talked at length about the production and what I could do, which to be honest at the moment is minimal. He has asked me to go this weekend to move faders while they're recording, but I think it's too much hassle and expense for what could be done easily by someone closer, although it would be great to see the set and meet the crew before they go into production in order to get a feel for what's going on. I found myself referring back to Ennio Morricone because of his inspired and unconventional use of instruments and technique/genre. Talk about prolific output, and quality that doesn't reflect the amount he produced. No wonder he's so much copied and imitated. Just thinking about his music's inspired me to want to create a score for Before/After like nothing else I've done before. The problem here is that I'm a little bit frustrated by the conventional approach to how the film is produced, although I don't see what else could be done. I just hate getting a cut in the post and having to write around it with a script in hand, it seems too straightforward, although arguably one works best that way. Crisma was really refreshing in the method of production, even though it turned out a little rough round the edges. So it turned out I didn't really have anything to do until post-production, unless I was interested in doing foley (not really). Suits me fine, and gives me longer to think about how I'm going to produce the music, what method I'll take and where I'll do it, what sounds I'll use. Given this amount of time and flexibility it would be worth scoring a lot of the elements in advance, and contemplating structure carefully.

We met up with Paolo and Jacopo and went to the Dutch Pancake House on St Peter's Square before going to see a production of David Mamet's Speed the Plow. I remember now why I haven't gone to the Pancake House more often, most probably because I felt like I was invading a Dutch person's front room, and although the pancakes were excellent something didn't feel relaxed although I couldn't put my finger on it - people, place or atmosphere. I realise now it was a gentle clash of sensibility across the void of language and custom, even more apparent after the Mamet finished and we adjourned to Font bar. We moved to the bar next door when we discovered how full, and how unbelievably loud it was in there. I literally couldn't hear the person next to me speak. Will left a little later and I was left with the Italians and Tom's birthday crew. We enjoyed ourselves sufficiently, and I talked at length with Paolo about the next phase of our work together - where Crisma is going and what we both felt was the next logical step. I talked about my desire to create a meld of live and improvised music, something which could be structured and sculpted at will with the maximum of user input. In other words an electronic instrument or interface through which total control could be had, and developed through the interface itself. Nothing really exists like it, and I guess it's just a dream but I'll be damned if I don't die trying. Visions should be paid strict attention to, especially if they recur. Paolo was keen on my other idea of an interactive interface allowing the public to determine the music and video's unfolding and development, whether consciously or unconsciously. Taking place in a determined place at a specific time, but with possibilities for continued or flexible performance. Hopefully Crisma II will be in the middle of a forest at night with our white aluminium and plastic box lit from inside for the audience to find. Paolo and I continued the talk the next day at what is probably my favourite cafe in Manchester, if not the world - Oklahoma. Situated in what seems like a dingy back street of the Northern Quarter, it houses The Best Electronica cd shop and a shop selling plastic tacky goods the like of which you'll never have seen. We had a pleasant lunch and several coffees and I discovered a book of the work of Sam Taylor-Wood. We relaxed for some hours and eulogised about the production, setting and what developments were in store for us. That evening after Will's flatmate cooked us vegetarian sausages (I tried to get to Somerfield but it had closed moments before) in a wine based gravy that I must try to recall the recipe for. I journeyed round the corner to meet Paolo, Jacopo and the others (Tom, Anna, Tullis and some I forget) for a drink or two before they went back to Italy and I jetted off to Holland for my interview.

All in all it was a strange but productive weekend, spending far more than I intended but having a great time. I realised that productions and projects can only really get better through discussion, thought, revision and research. Each element requires the other to function, and too much of one can mask the others and development ceases. I caught the train to London, got the tube (very straightforward) to Heathrow, and the bus to /terminal [sic] / Terminal 4. I realised I'd panicked that I wouldn't have enough time, but I arrived nearly two hours before the flight, bought a little currency. I think the woman at the bureau de change wasn't really listening to me because I ended up with €20 and not £20 of Euros. Nonetheless I still returned from Holland with plenty of spare money, so it didn't really matter. I arrived in Schiphol, caught the first train to Den Haag. They have double decker trains, with seemingly identical 2nd and 1st class compartments, all costing pretty much the same. I can only say that they have a very efficient and fast train service. I changed for Delft at Den Haag HS and met Vivian at the train station. Delft is a strange place, and resembles at first glance on Viv's side a Glasgow scheme, except what they should have looked like had they been maintained and the local community had treated them like a living environment. What crime there is in Holland is mainly bike crime, and I think the main black market traffic is in stolen bike pumps. Positively refreshing, although I heard whilst I was there the Dutch adage 'Bikes are public property, and locks a challenge'. I suppose like for like I'd prefer to replace my bike and have a safe environment to be. There are cycle lanes everywhere, and I don't just mean in the city centre. On the night after my interview we cycled into Delft and took a Bailey's Hot Choc at a nice wee bar populated by loud but well meaning students celebrating the end of term. The bike ride into town was straightforward and safe, and the bike route was marked out all the way - they even have right of way at most junctions. Viv and I talked about our approach to notation, music technology and many other things, including his philosophy of what music can do.

I suppose I should talk about the interview. I arrived in time, and Viv assured me I didn't really need to let anyone know I was there, so I just sat next to the door adjacent to a guy from... I forget. He was mighty nervous, but I maintained my cool. After a short wait a suited young gentleman from Malta came out, and after chatting briefly it turned out he'd previously studied at Napier. Strange coincidences - he'd been at the Sonic Fusion Festival the previous week and I hadn't seen him. Turns out they'd told him his work was too conservative, and eventually after pondering for some minutes they asked him back in and told him they'd offer a place on the final year of the undergrad. He wasn't exactly over the moon but I think his nerves still had the better of him. Richard Ayres poked his head out the door and beckoned me in, and I sat in the company of a large group of composition luminaries including Louis Andriessen on my right whom I didn't notice until some time into the interview. We had a good chat and I think I came over more head strong than I meant to, although they seemed to understand what I had to say. They offered me a place on the spot, although due to my words about needing to learn more in term of the 'basics', they said I should do the final year of the undergrad. I think they offer that to everyone wanting to do the VKO. I'm yet to know how I could possibly fund studying there, although this evening has led me to discover that with a residence permit I can reclaim my fees from the Dutch government. That just leaves living fees, which could be sorted through some sort of funding from the UK, although I know not what. After staying with Vivian another night, and him showing me a little of Den Haag and feeding me sufficiently, I journeyed back to England and met Zanni in Heathrow.

But the rest of that sounds like it's for tomorrow as it's getting late again. My mother is on her computer test marathon starting tomorrow morning early, so I probably won't have access for a while. First of the month.

Too long again

Eight days since the last update, and I didn't even really say anything the last time.

I'm sitting in the little room in Merston that used to be mine before my brother moved out and I could move into the bigger (relatively) room. It's now the office-cum-library and consequently the place where the modem lives. I've camped out here for today since I've been informed my mother will be invading for the next two days to complete some sort of online test. I'm not sure what type of test involves staying in front of a computer for two days, and she hasn't really explained so I guess I'll just have to see what happens. She's said she won't be staying up for the whole time but I worry for her health if she looks at a screen for that long (I'm one to talk).

I think it's time I reported on the last week and more. Since leaving Glasgow. Well I journeyed on the morning train to Manchester, complete with age-old Nike bag, and laptop on my back. Pretty uneventful train journey, I'm glad to say - seem to usually get delayed somewhere or other, but arrived in Manchester a few minutes ahead of schedule with a good few bars of tango written and an up-to-date diary, not to mention a Greggs stomach. I met Will at the train station, and we talked about how much Manchester has changed. I remembered I haven't been there for about a year, and it's strange how things change when you're away. People just seem to get on a build stuff without your permission and finish those things that seemed to be taking so long in a jiffy. Of particular note are the skyscraper in a lurid green colour effacing the horizon as you come in on the train through Salford. It's not quite finished yet but it was a little shock when I wasn't expecting a huge building where previously there wasn't anything. They've also finished the corner of the Arndale centre on Exchange Square with some huge glass panels and modern concrete/steel painted panels, completing that quarter of the town from a destitute and decaying quarter and into a hive of activity, with the Urbis museum, Printworks, Triangle centre, huge glass Marks and Sparks and the brand new (almost civil) Arndale. I kinda missed the 'true' Manchester feel, that of burgeoning new business next to decaying industry.

After Will left me on the bus to find his flat in Withington, I dropped off my few things, settled in and then went out to investigate where I used to live. I'm not sure what I was expecting to find, but it still had the same yellow front door, and the street hadn't really changed at all. I almost expected it to feel like yesterday I was there, but there's a bridge or at least a gap between my experiences then and what's going on now. Back then seemed like a bit of a daydream, and I drifted through that gap year in Manchester without too much care, although I certainly enjoyed myself and had bad days in equal measure. I pottered round to where Hannah used to live and didn't dare look at the front. The enduring memory is of standing on the street in June, with bouts of sun and rain, saying goodbye without either of us really wanting to either say or mean it. It's not that I didn't know that she was going, it's that we both knew it had to end at some point, but that it was probably better not to acknowledge it and then it'd be easier when we saw each other again. As it happens she's spent most of the last two years in Africa. I find it really strange that a friendship can only really exist when two live close to each other. It requires at least some sort of regular exchange for you to 'know' a person, and that just disappears when they're away for even a short length of time. I guess it's some sort of trust, an unconscious bond between the people that forms from just being in each other's company.

I digress. Later that day Will and I went to see Jacopo and Paolo's show at Manchester University, and saw many people I haven't seen for a while. I hadn't seen Paolo or Jacopo since March, which I suppose isn't that long a length of time but nonetheless I love to see them. I also saw Tullis and discussed the live electronics gig we're planning in Glasgow with him, and he showed me what Mantis was doing in the basement of the department. Max/MSP seems to feature highly on the list of all current institutions, and they were making full use of its capabilities. I also saw Envision crew, whom I know from the old department, but more from the original LPC (I love you, you're perfect, now change) tour of the UK and Italy from two and a half years ago. When we went out for a drink after the show it seemed like no time had passed since we were all in Birmingham in a terrible B&B and performing in a nearby theatre. The show (that evening) was a mixed affair of abstract scenes, unscripted and partly improvised, but making an adjoining tableux that was at once disturbing and surreal in the true Italian style. It was very short, but could have been even shorter - not necessarily a bad thing, just a suggestion that the material and ideas could have been condensed into a smaller time period. Tullis' music was effective and very apt, but lacked the polish of previous productions because of time contraints. They had a week to prepare the whole performance. We adjourned to Kro Bar across the road and talked for many hours about the implications of the work and where they intended to go afterwards over a good few beers. I also got to speak Italian for a while, always welcome, although I certainly felt a little rusty. I slept well and the next day Will, Holly and I went to see what all the fuss was about in the centre of Manchester.

I'll explain more tomorrow about the rest of the weekend, then Holland and what's going on this week.

Dutchland

Well I'm in Holland. Staying at a friend's apartment in Delft, where it is very beautiful, hospitable and warm. This evening we took his cat for a walk, but it seemed to prefer sniffing in the bushes just outside the flat than walking along the river bank, so we returned without so much as a short stroll.
I'm yet to come to a decision as to whether I'd like to stay here or not, as I've only been here for a matter of hours. The train system here is pretty awesome, and it really didn't cost much or take very long to get from Schiphol to Den Haag. What amazed me more was this morning was the journey from Manchester to London, which took little more than two hours. At least now we're up to speed with the continent on one major transport route. However it did still take an hour on the tube and bus from central London out to Heathrow.
Lots of great things happened in Manchester, probably something to talk about when I have a computer keyboard in front of me and not predictive text on my phone, but I'll just say for now that I had a really good time and bumped into more wonderful people than I'd care to mention. I really can't believe just how much it has changed since I've left, and for the good more than anything. For now, I think I'll get some kip before my interview tomorrow and let you know how it goes as soon as I can...

Tango Time

Looking at the autocomplete function on the title, it seems like I've written a lot of blog entries starting with 'T'. It's amazing what psychoanalysis can do. Last night I went to Alistair MacDonald's party, an annual gathering of arty types for St Dymphna's day (the patron saint of insanity). Much fun was had over many glasses of wine, and there was a lavish spread, of which the remaining last scraps were forced into doggy bags and into our hands on the way out. Alistair put tango music on for most of the night, given that he's a major tango exponent in Glasgow it was a good soundtrack for the evening. After a few hours I appeared to be more drunk than I had anticipated, but carried on drinking the freely flowing wine. There's something about red wine that makes you feel really strange when you've drunk too much of it. At some point in the night I agreed to write some piano duet tangos for the tango class that Alistair frequents, so I've got that hanging over me. I have a feeling that it'll be a good laugh though, and it's always good experience to be writing music, whatever the genre.

I discovered interrobangs today. I'm not really sure where one would use them, and I've hardly ever had a really strong desire to combine a question and exclamation mark.

I think I'm going to go and investigate my coffee maker, which hasn't been off the shelf for a while. I think an espresso would go down just well about now. Then I can tackle the tango with an alert mind.

The SonicFusion festival launched on the Friday just gone, with an all electro-acoustic concert. Despite the festival having the makings of a class A event, it was diabolically organised. They were still rehearsing as guests arrived at about 7.45, and during some of the pieces leads were being pulled out, reconnected and levels were being changed. All that should have been sorted before the concert started, since it's really quite distracting to have some people continuing a dialogue across the hall about the levels on a guitar, even worse with the lights up. Combine that with the second rate pieces (with the exception of Alistair's) and the terrible sound quality, I was disappointed with the outcome of the gig. It just didn't bode well for the start of an 'international' music festival. Anyway, time to find the coffee maker.

Envelopes

I seem to have spent the majority of today staring at envelopes. At 9.30 this morning I was called by my agency and asked if I could work today. I was beginning to lose hope of ever speaking to the nice ladies at Bruce Murray again, but lo and behold they picked me up out of my daze this morning and offered me work. I jumped at it since I really need some support for my 'endeavours', and I was planning on today being another of my self-congratulatory days in the park, reading and sunning myself and then retiring later to a cool and relaxed evening alla Wooster. But no, I was whisked off in a frenzy since I said I would be at the office in an hour, and turned up at 10.25 looking rather more dapper than I had done 55 minutes ago. I was immediately introduced to the smiling and amicable staff, who made me feel at home before warning me that the job was a little monotonous. I've done some really dreadful jobs in the past, but despite this one being really rather dull, I wasn't in a dull mood and remained cheerful for the rest of the day. I forget how friendly people are if you smile at them regularly, and I duly accepted cups of tea and their suggestions to take breaks whenever I wanted. That said I finished the work before the day was up and they sent me home early to the tune of a few pounds better. It consisted mainly of stamping payslips with a big, red P60 and then putting them into envelopes to be whisked off to the person concerned. I find it amazing that these jobs are still done manually, given that every other stage of the task is done by computer, including franking the letter. Perhaps it's that letter stuffers are hard to design, or that people just haven't thought of buying one in an office. I suppose also that plenty of temps would be without jobs if people didn't still have to send out letters in the post, or keep written records. They've asked me back in again on Monday so I'll be back to do much of the same thing then.

Tomorrow it's off to teach for the last scheduled teaching week of term. I have a feeling that many will want to see me next week for last minute touch ups before hand in, especially on the analysis project side that I feel may have been a bit heavy in terms of requirements. However, this may be the last time I teach in the college unless I secure some teaching for next year so it'll be an interesting day. I feel they may need rewarding with some token gifts to get those last few words in, perhaps a bag of chocolate raisins, or coated ginger might be in order. Usually you can treat them to some fun stuff, and relax on the work side, but they have too much to do so there'll be no respite for the wicked.

Time to continue the dreaded Max patch that crashed on me yesterday, and caused me to lose 2 hours of work. Macs generally don't crash, but Max/MSP seems to invariably crash at the most inopportune moments, especially on stage. It's going well, so I'll keep you updated on its progress. It doesn't do nearly enough things at the moment, but we're getting to the stage where I think it could be useable. Let's just hope that I can get something musical out of it after all this.

I've just finished a cup of Shangri-La tea, purported to be some of the finest in the world. I'm not sure I rate it so highly as the finer green teas available at Tea Art Studio, or even indeed the humble Earl Grey (only in one of the better mixes). I must admit it has a delicate flavour, and rewards repeated drinking, but perhaps my tastes are just too exotic. I think I'll be visiting Tchai Ovna soon enough for a cup of Spicemaster to warm my bones. Tomorrow night is the inaugural concert of the Sonic Fusion Festival, a festival of contemporary electro-acoustic and new 'classical' music. I'm not sure how it'll compare to Plug, especially as the two are so at odds in terms of style and content you couldn't compare them. I'll let you know what it's like.

In the park

Well. I'm sitting in the park at the moment with Leasha writing a card, and me relaxing in the sun on my big green blanket. This blanket was bought in Austria at our family reunion about 15 years ago, when numerous members of my family attended. I remember having had a really great time with my cousins, and being envious that they spoke fluent German and could talk to anyone there. This wasn't really repeated until about ten years later in Spain, at my Gran's 80th party celebration/reunion. By this time our family had expanded and my little niece had been born- both my brother and his wife were in attendance. It's amazing how much, and how little nearly ten years can put between people. I guess I'd grown up by that point, from an annoying brat with short blonde hair and a penchance for extra large t-shirts into a more mature individual. This didn't seem to stop me having just as much fun with my cousins, although they argued among themselves as usual, often in Norwegian. Mind you we ate really great food and went to a few really good places to eat and drink. Seems like a while ago now, but there's one planned in September for Italy, which I'd be eager to go on although my parents seem to have found an excuse not to attend. Milan'd be a really great place to visit, and I'll always welcome an excuse to practise my Italian. Now there's just finding a way to cover the very reasonable - although difficult to justify - plane fare. I was hoping a rich family benefactor might sub me on this account, so we'll have to wait and see. I'll keep you updated.
This reminds me of the time when I was driving down to Italy with my cousins in the back of our Peugot 206. I don't remember when this was, just that it was a very long time ago, and I didn't feel as cramped in the back of the car as I would do now. Also the age difference between my cousins and I seemed a little bigger than when I've seen them recently. The kids were in the back of the car, enjoying themselves as only we could when we're that young, and my dad was driving with my mum giving directions from the oversized map of Italy. We had all the windows open because of the heat (it was the middle of a very hot Italian summer), and the wind was blowing through the car as we drove down the motorway. One moment my mum was consulting the map, and the next the page we were on had flow out the window. There was so much air passing through the car it wasn't really surprising it got blown away. However, we did ok because dad remembered that the road simply continued straight along the coast, and that we didn't really need to turn off till way further South so we continued the uninterruptible glorious weather and scenery. We stopped much further down - on the next page - at a service station and stopped in the queue, at which point all of up except my dad got out because it instantly became too hot to be in the car. A car pulled up behind, and lo and behold, on the bumper there was the missing page of the map, stuck for a hundred miles. My cousin retrieved it and it was reunited, much to the surprise of my parents.
I can't say I remember much else about the trip, as those yearly trips to Italy seem to blend into one. Spent by the pool with many books, and trips to various cities to see some of the best works of art in the world. Sitting in the park here now seems like a million miles away, although just different rather than better.

About Time

Time flies doesn't it? I got to thinking it was about time I made another post. Kyle Gann hasn't posted in a while and I think he's taking some time out for obvious reasons. Things have been all of a change recently, and as last time, I don't know where the time's gone since I was away in Sussex. It's nearly a week since I last posted, and since then, looking back in my diary, a lot's happened. The dreaded Thing concert has come and gone with nothing inasmuch as a whisper, almost as if we've become accustomed to the rigmarole of contemporary concerts, something that was probably to be expected given the number that occurred last week. I think the Thing gig may have been overshadowed somewhat by the opera on at the Academy, the opening night of Don Giovanni across the road and another sold-out concert at the Royal Concert Hall. So much for contemporary music taking the lime light, which I guess it's never really done. At least we got a half decent review, and I get mentioned (hint: I'm the piano). Well at least it's a start in the world of showbiz, a daunting and pock-filled lifestyle. I'm really glad we had an opportunity to take a large part in a festival of new music, and that we're not just doing any old music. Aside from the Thing gig that week, there were three other concerts I managed to get to: an electroacoustic gig on Tuesday that opened Plug, which featured some really high quality ideas and forward thinking, even if some of the electronics didn't go quite to plan (always a problem if you're doing something experimental). They were pretty much all loud and boisterous affairs, with something quite unique to say in each one, and even the head of electro said they were all on their own in the ideas phase. I'm glad to see he has the mettle to push students in their own direction, to encourage them against their own grain. Following that there was Gareth's infamous opera on Wednesday, along with Simon's new music theatre piece, both really quite substantial and impressive pieces in their own right, that stood out as some of the real quality moments of the week. It just smacked of the fact that someone's done their homework, and they were rewarded by a quality 5-star review. Not that they care about reviews. Last of all was the RSAMD Sinfonietta gig on Friday, with three excellent pieces. I've got to say I was most impressed by the two 'least mature' composers' works, which displayed a certain quality I've not really experienced elsewhere. I'm not sure what it is, just that it's impressive, loud and slightly intimidating. I think the concert was let down by a programming error, that is a brass quintet played a Souster piece, which didn't fit in the slightest with the seriousness (if that's something music can be) of the other works. I would liked to see it on its own, but it just didn't work with the others, and may even have detracted from them in some way or another.

My teaching on Friday went well, and I'm sure my students will be on track by the time we get to this Friday, at least they'd better be because it's possibly the last lesson before hand in time. I think they're all aware of the amount of work that is required of them. It was glorious weather on Friday, and I'm sure some of them were dying to be outside, as I was. The view out the office window is truly amazing, and you can see the Royal Mile, the castle and Arthur's Seat, as well as the sea. The sky was a deep blue colour, and no clouds obscured it at all, much like today. I journeyed back towards the train station, basking in the glorious colour and vibrance as and when I could. I arrived just past Tollcross near Greyfriars, and walked round to the University library to return the dreaded Kramer book, that I sourced just in time for the lesson on Time Analysis with my students. No emotion betrayed itself despite the journey I passed in order to obtain it, and I returned outside to the University garden and sat under a tree reading 'Carry On, Jeeves' until six o'clock. I was hardly aware of the time passing, and it was still as hot as it ever was at that time as I passed the museum and over the Royal Mile towards Waverley station. I still had a few minutes before my train so I rested awhile in Princes Street gardens, before the train tracks, under the monument and on the slope of the grass. There were quite a few people seated there, observing carefully the cordoned-off area, respecting the need of the turf to revitalise. As I was waiting, two groups of kids converged on the path just above me, and a representative from each stepped forward. One punch was thrown, and the kid nearest me hit the ground pretty quick. A girl started screaming for help and both groups meandered away while she cradled him. It seemed like the offending gang weren't bothered about being noticed, and even his gang had disowned him for one reason or another. A few people nearer than me crowded round at the screams, and a policeman was called to judge the damage. I realised it was time for me to leave, and I crossed the road towards the station just as a police car pulled up. I stopped at Marks and Spencer's and picked up refreshments for the journey back, as I knew I wouldn't have time to stop for dinner between train and concert. I can recommend the banana smoothie, much to my taste, except that it contained reduced fat yoghurt, whereas the mango smoothie contains full fat - bizarre anomoly or judgment on the part of the M&S chefs? My train arrived back in ten minutes before the concert at the RSAMD was due to start, and I hot-footed it across town to take my seat just as the doors were closed and the evening started.

After the concert and subsequent trip to the pub I had what I might term a 'last meeting', at least a parting of ways. I'm not sure of the direction we'll both take but I certainly feel like a change has taken place. Maybe for the best but I'm not sure of my emotional state regarding this one. We'll just have to see how things move forwards, or if they even go in a particular direction. I'm quite happy just getting on with my own thing at the moment, and I need some time to stabilise, that's obvious enough to anyone.

The rest of the weekend was taken up with copious amounts of socialising, starting with tea and well... no go with Helena, although I did feel thoroughly revitalised afterwards, especially with the vegetable noodle soup that tasted simple and fresh. After that I journeyed to the park to be surprised by heavy rainfall, and took shelter and solace in Beanscene none too far away. From this point onwards things became increasingly blurred, and I can only really account for any time after meeting Leasha today and visiting the park in blissful weather and enjoying Thai Sweet Chilli crisps. I remember visiting Blue Dog and having several cocktails, including a prematurely abandoned Martini on Saturday night. I'm back on the planet now and the internet has reinstated itself so hopefully I can fill in regular updates. I'm on for the interview in the Hague for definite two weeks tomorrow, but I still haven't decided when I'm returning from Sussex to Glasgow, as I haven't booked tickets after my return from the Hague on the 24th. Perhaps I can take some time to recuperate and plan following whatever decision they make regarding my application. Time to write a proper Max patch that works as well...

Since my agency hasn't found me any work for this week I'm home bound, although the weather's great so I'm going to take advantage and spend it in the park if at all possible. I think I'm needing some time to read all those things sitting on the book shelf requiring my attention. And now for Ginseng tea with honey for a pick-me up.

Lunch and High Tea

Sometimes I wish for something a bit simpler in life. The life of a musician couldn't be more complicated. It's not like we can just be a musician and get away with that as an income. I think most musicians I know that sustain themselves on their own means have to at least teach their instrument, play gigs, struggle, take odd jobs and generally be particularly resourceful. I don't know how we put up with it. I think it must have something to do with a pure love for the subject - noone would sacrifice all that for something they didn't truly believe in - and most of the musicians I know are passionate to the point of obsession. It was said recently that playing in an orchestra was one of the most stressful jobs one can take, due to the high demands on the performer - workload and such - and the extremely low pay scale.

That's why I thought I'd write an album and release it. It seems like one of the only ways to really get noticed.

Late one last night. I got back in about 4.30, an wasn't quite sure where the time went. I only really meant to go out for coffee, but you know how it goes: coffee, chat, more coffee, transcription of Rachmaninov song, Chinese takeaway, film, cocktails, more coffee and discovering how time has flown. I bumped into a drunk girl who was mumbling about being accosted by random men asking her to come back to their apartment. She asked if I could accompany her home, and offered for me to come and play acoustic guitar. I kindly declined as I thought probably both I and her could probably only do with one thing at that time - sleep. So I walked her to Great Western Road and she assured me she only lived on Cecil Street so I bade her good night and went on my way home. Earlier on in the evening I did quite a lot of talking about life, circumstances and outcomes and realised it's just really important to have fun whatever you're doing, and not worry too much about the future if it's not going to directly affect its outcome.

On Sunday night I purchased roughly £100 worth of travel. I think I got quite a lot for that. I blogged about the end of May being a nightmarish time, but now it seems quite straightforward as I've purchased the tickets, although the end is still open. I'm off to Manchester on the 19th, staying there over the weekend with a friend, seeing a play by another friend from Italy, chatting with him over some coffee about the nature of interdisciplinary performance, the problems and pitfalls, and our own solutions. I'm then going to Holland on Monday for my interview at the Hague, and I'm staying with a very nice friend who used to study here in Scotland, but has gone over for the bright lights and illustrious staff list of the Royal Conservatoire. I'm then coming back on the 24th to London. Now either here I'm meeting up with people from Italy, and we're staying in Sussex or I'm staying there on my own, or I'm coming back to Scotland straightaway. Who knows what'll happen... and who cares. Either way it'll be an excuse to pull affairs together and take Time Out.

Best be off - lunch and high tea for me today with a Thing rehearsal inbetween. Wish me luck.

Verbose explanation

I think it's about time I talked, as it's been a while. I've even been prompted to blog by a friend, so it's high time. I was thinking about explaining what's happened over the last few days. It seems like it's been a busy time. I didn't even feel like like talking today because I almost had too much to say. Maybe that's crazy but sometimes it seems like there's so much to say it's not worth saying anything. That said I had a good time, enjoyed some music - particularly good piece by a friend of mine.

Right - so on Wednesday I arrived back in Scotland from my blissful time in Chichester. I left Merston at approximately 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and got into my flat here in Glasgow at 7.30pm. Not bad going methinks, and it seemed like the easiest trip ever. I'm quite pleased I'm back because the weather here on Friday and Saturday was nothing short of idyllic. The sun was out in full force, and unlike the previous occasions this year it was having an impact. My students were out playing ball in the field outside the department, and it certainly didn't seem like a day for analysing bizarre 20th century music. However, they were good spirited and we had an excellent and productive lesson. Backtracking a little, on Wednesday evening I received at about 11 o'clock, by email, a score for the rehearsal the following day. You'll find the details of the concert on my website, but suffice to say I'm playing a solo (albeit short) at the beginning of the second piece. I wouldn't have been so bothered if a) he'd sent it to me at least a week before so I could at least practice it on a real piano and b) it wasn't _so_ difficult I had to go and have a cup of tea to recover after just looking at the score and tempo marking. We were playing it the next day, and I had till 10 o'clock in the morning to learn it, if only for the rehearsal. I did my best, and although it's better now I don't like not being able to play things in rehearsals. We received one of the other works as we sat down to start, and although this is all very 'new music' and exciting to get a score hot off the press, it's good to have a look over it before starting the rehearsal. The rest of the rehearsal went very smoothly and I was reasonably happy with the results. We went out for a coffee and then pizza afterwards, and it wasn't until about 9pm that I realised I was so dog tired from having travelled so far the previous day, then having spent the whole day in a rehearsal that I just needed to go home and collapse. Which I promptly did. I've pretty much mastered the piano part now, and given that I've had it for four days, I think it's pretty good going.

On Friday after I finished working in Edinburgh I travelled back to Glasgow by train, and stopped at Vroni's where my flatmate works. It's a pretty nice wine bar in the centre of Glasgow, and if you're passing through it's worth a look, if only for the wonderful staff there. I only called in to say hi, but I agreed to meet Helena later there, and although I managed to distract myself suitably and the time seemed to just disappear before I had to return, I was in high spirits because of the weather. Also I like wearing lecturing clothes (jacket and smart trousers with a smart top - not shirt). I was only going to meet Helena for a drink and hang out for a bit as it was a Friday and felt I should do something, but we ended up staying till closing, and I drank copious amounts of wine and thoroughly enjoyed myself. We then - I know not why - proceeded to Blue Dog to get totalled. I bought G&Ts, which Helena has no recollection of, and talked to an old friend I bumped into for a while before I found my dancing shoes and then staggered back with Helena before realising it was 4. Helena berated me on the return journey for having accompanied her because apparently women should be safe to walk home on their own in the middle of the night. I tried to point out that I simply chose to leave at the same time as her, and on prior reflection you're generally safer in twos than on your own at night, male or female.

I woke up at nine to remind Helena she had to orchestra, but she was already awake and walking around in a dazed and ponderous fashion. I offered her cereal but she said she didn't want sweet things or milk, so opted for the empty stomach and hangover. I think she'd probably have only settled for porridge anyway, and I didn't have any of that. I spent the rest of the morning learning the piano part and remembering funny things from the previous night, after which I dozed, and then we spent the afternoon in the park enjoying the wondrous rays of heavenly bodies. And eating ice slush drinks which made me completely hyper for about five minutes before I crashed, but that was ok because the sun was out. Later I fell asleep in front of Howl's Moving Castle - dubbed in English and not as good as the Japanese - before I crawled into bed for a much needed kip.

This week holds concerts, rehearsals and the planning of the end of May, which is becoming increasingly complicated. Actually I won't start about that because I'll never finish writing...

Mangoes and Passion Fruit

Today I prepared an application for the Hague Conservatoire (Holland). I realised I had everything with me in order to do the application, so I went ahead. No application fee and no problem, it's all basically in the bag in a day. There's hardly a chance in hell of me actually being able to attend the course, due to financial difficulties and other complications, but it's good experience to put it in in the first place. Of course if they ask me for interview it's an excuse to go abroad as well, especially to go to Amsterdam for a day.

I've been assessing the 'further study options' situation with my parents over the last few days, and came to the conclusion that I have several options - not a new conclusion, but let's look at it like this.

The Hague has the people I would like most to study with, a lively music scene (to say the least) and first rate facilities. However it rains a lot and can be a little grim. The food's not up to much either - I've never eaten so many grey dishes.
Italy (Bologna, Firenze, Roma ecc.) have good facilities, a pretty much nonexistent contemporary music scene and a few people I would consider studying with. However the bonus here is that it's an amazing place to live, somewhere I would definitely think about spending some upcoming years in.
UK:
The Academy in London has first rate facilities, an unparalleled music scene (to be disputed see last post) and plenty of people to study with. However they can be very snobby about stylistic elements, although there's no reason to think I couldn't carve a niche, but the conservatoires are very stuck in their ways. Weather's better than Glasgow at least, but the major problem here is the cost - too much to shelf on my poor little shoulders unless something major happened in the way of funding or lucrative job prospects.
University of Manchester recently acquired first rate facilities, a growing and burgeoning music scene including a voracious appetite for electronic music. As for friends I seem to have plenty still hanging around from my time there as an undergraduate, and I'm sure I'd meet plenty in the time to come. The weather is manageable (stuck it out for four years, can't have been too bad) but the major problem here is the staff. There's noone there in the Classical department that I'd feel happy studying with [again] so I'd probably end up doing electro-acoustic as my major component, not an unwelcome prospect.
York - the outsider - first rate facilites, but an ageing staff and cold weather. Sleepy but particularly beautiful town, with a great bakery.

From this analysis, it looks like I have to make either a compromise or an informed choice. Italy is my first option: great food and lifestyle but I compromise on the scene, unless I create one for myself. Hague for great music making but nothing interesting about the lifestyle - I'd probably want to move again, plus I wouldn't get a PhD, no small thing to ignore. UK for home territory, home cooking and a burdensome expense, but some great friends and plenty of already established contacts.

Oh! There are too many things to think about, especially as I still don't know what I'm doing for the next year. I think, though, that the first thing is to settle my debts and get a decent salary for the coming months, and see what comes my way while I'm doing whatever life throws at me. Best just to watch this space and do everything I can to enjoy life, especially as the summer is coming. Time to practise the piano, play bass and drink tea. I'm playing bass, and piano in the upcoming Thing gig. Doesn't worry me too much, as I'm reasonably confident about my bass playing skills, but playing in a concert is something I haven't done for a long time, maybe 5 years - I suppose it'll be something to put on the CV! First rehearsal Thursday, I'll let you know how it goes.

Oh and I forget... I've put music from Crisma and the last Thing gig on my website so if you get bored you can go listen. I'll be getting the Crisma DVD soon, and it's been entered for the Premio DAMS della Universita di Bologna - fingers crossed. I'll put a short streaming excerpt on the website, as soon as I figure out how to do that on my Mac.

Let's trust in the little ones

Still at home. I must say that it's still being very therapeutic. I spent yesterday evening and a lot of today in London seeing an old friend. It seems like she's been away for as long as I can remember, and although she's been working in the capital for a month or two now I haven't had the chance to see her. It made the prospect of moving away from Scotland even more complicated, now that she's rekindled my interest in London. This was initially nipped in the bud by the London-skeptic crowd resident at the RSAMD. Little was I to know about the harsh feelings towards the scene down there until I touched the water a few months in to my time at the Academy, when I discovered the strong sentiments evident in many peers. However this would never stay me from moving or studying there, or at least giving it a try. What would keep me in my place is the chaotic life, and dependency on a regular income that is required there. There is just no way that anyone without a decent salary could even afford to stay there for a month or two. That and the fact that just getting from A to B is a major expense and hassle for the city dweller. Despite these two glaring barriers to my move, I would still consider it because it offers an unprecedented array of... well everything you could possibly ever want or imagine in terms of material possessions and entertainment. Plus it's near to many people I know, and my family if I want to endure weekend trips to rural parochialism.

It's funny when someone's been away for so long, how you slip back into talking about things that happened so long ago with a sense that it really was only last week. We reminisced about trips to the pub as if we could just walk in there right now, almost as if we still lived around the corner and everyone was still there that we knew. We ate chinese food in china town, had a truly abysmal bottle of wine - we tried to send it back but were told it was just 'like that' - and then proceeded to a very English pub for a few pints of imported lager and chit chat. A most pleasing evening in all, and we trekked back to Brixton to kip in a most surprising house. I can't really find words to describe the ambience of it, but it was just so very 'London'. Painted white staircase - very shiny, slanting door frames and a stained glass front door panel. It seemed to remind me of many houses I've been in before, but from a long time ago. I'm not sure what it was that made it so familiar, but perhaps it was something about the staircase. I remember visiting a friend of my parents' house in Brighton, which had four floors, and a similar winding staircase with woven, rough carpet that only covered the centre section, and was held down by brass fittings. There was something about the way that the rooms had a different layout on every floor, and it had a lived-in feeling that you felt extended for several centuries. I think that's the type of property I'd like to own when I get to the appropriate time in life. Somewhere I feel I can do justice to the previous owner's efforts, and somewhere that has a little history and mystery. It's almost like it's the quintessential townhouse that I would like, on a street that's just far enough away to not be city centre, but close enough to not be on the periphery. Somewhere that I could have as a base that I could return to at any time, without the necessity of having to feel I lived there.

Having said this, I'm sitting in a little cottage in rural Sussex, under the eaves in the study, which used to be my first bedroom in this house until my brother moved out and I could have the bigger room. Times have not changed as much as I'd ever expected since we moved here. I remember sleeping soundly through the big storm in 1989 in this room, then being in the next room watching the water proceed during the flooding a couple of years later. We've been through a lot, this house and this family, and since my parents are thinking of putting the house on the market again in a few weeks, I thought it due for a little reflection of the times I've been here. I think my favourite memories are sitting in the patio at the back and drinking coke in the blazing sunshine in the summer, or having that party on my 17th birthday where everyone stayed over and slept in the bouncy castle. I remember driving the sit-on mower around the garden when we first came here and it still worked (long since disposed of now), and when we had ducks for many years in the garden, and having fresh duck eggs almost every morning and them being like nothing else I've ever tasted.

My niece was here today for dinner, and my mum, my brother, my niece and I all walked up to the duck pond in the village and then along to the church. I reflected that I must have done this same walk when we first moved to Merston when I was about the same age as Chloe is now, and must have had about as much fun feeding the ducks that she had today. It's funny how things change, and others stay the same, that we still rely on the same activities, but for different reasons. I feel like I should stay here to carry on the legacy, show my children the duck pond and drive them around the garden on a tractor, but then I remember that my parents moved about a lot, and it's only _my_ family home, and not theirs too. Which makes me think that maybe it's time to wipe the slate clean again, forget the past and look to the future with a new house, a different style of life and a renewed maturity. Not that it's even my house, but I still feel that this is our family house since this is where we spend Christmas, and where I return to home-home when I want to get away from things.

But enough reminiscing, I've got 'Selva', 'Crisma', the electro project and the Synthesis Project to worry about, not to mention 'Thing' are having a gig the week after next. Better get my busy socks back on (Spanish nuovo style), and tackle those much needed tasks. Let's go and make a list... first: eat rest of Easter eggs.